The Man who Discovered Cheese

I like gender differences.  You may notice this if you've read me much.  I've met people that are annoyed at gender distinctions.  Some people like to claim that gender differences are merely learned behaviors.  The fact that boys smell their shoes after taking them off, try to belch the alphabet, and chew their breakfast toast into the shapes of guns at the breakfast table are learned behaviors.  Yeah, because my husband does those things - okay maybe he does the shoe thing.  The fact that girls find a way to make people figurines out of every, conceivable thing from popsicle sticks to grapes and play "family" with them - learned behavior.  Right.  What about the fact that we're born anatomically different. Learned behavior?  Obviously not.  How about hormonally different?  Learned behavior?  Not so much.  I once read that an unborn baby boy's brain undergoes a testosterone bath in utero that severs connections between the left and right sides of the brain.  In contrast, baby girls are born with these connections - virtual highways of communication - intact.  These connections are highways between the emotional/creative and logical sides of our brain.  As a result, girls more readily understand the implications of the physical realm on the abstract.  Girls more easily make relational and emotional connections to physical situations than boys.  (Incidentally, the same article claimed that as boys/men mature, these connections rebuild with time and with emotionally taxing experiences to the place where older men are much more sensitive and make connections between right and left brain much more readily.)  My 5 year old son has two older sisters and one younger - girls on both sides of him.  99% of all his playtime is spent with girls.  However, when they are playing house, his character - instead of coming home to his loving family after a hard day of work like they would prefer - "gets blowed up", and Levi (5) takes great delight in this.  Violet (3) will be the first to ask the "blowed up guy" how he's feeling... if he's okay... if he thinks a bandaid would help his blowed-up-edness.  A few minutes ago, Levi and Violet burst through the door, and he announced that he could NOT play with Violet anymore, because she, "let's me win at tag!!"  Well, whether or not she lets him win is debatable, because she is compassionate enough to let him win (which he hates), but she's also 2 years his junior which works in his favor (apparently much to his chagrin).   Levi often hurts himself.  I'm never quite sure if it's his actual body that hurts or if it's mostly his pride.  He comes through the door or down the hallway screaming at the top of his lungs several times a day.  Violet inevitably makes a fast break for the bandaid closet.  She comes running with a box of baindaids, and he screams at her that he doesn't need one of those.  She's in her greatest glory if he actually needs and wants a bandaid.  She's thrilled to open it and apply it herself.  She's dying to nurture something/someone.

We've come to a stage with our kids in which we're finally able to do some things.  Diapers are a thing of the past.  With the exception of Violet, the kids all know how to ride two wheel bikes, and we can go places without diaper bags/sippy cups/bibs.  This brings a mixture of happiness and sadness to me.  I was just old enough to start liking babies, and then I didn't have any anymore.  I lamented last night as we relaxed after the kids went to bed, "I want another baby!"  He smiled and said he said, "Yeah.  Babies are nice," but then he went on to remind me how nice it is to have some freedom with the kids... nice to be in this stage of our lives.  In fact, we've recently become members at both the Shedd Aquarium and the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago now - which is something I used to think only rich people did.  Turns out, if you have more than 3 children, it's the only cost-effective option you have.  It was more expensive to buy individual admissions for us and the children and pay for parking for one day than it was for us to purchase memberships for the year - which include all sorts of perks.  So... looks like we'll have to go to both a lot this year to get the worth out of it, but, hey, our kids are at the age where all we need to go is a couple bottles of water and some sunscreen (and maybe an extra change of clothes for the car)!  Voila... my temporary baby insanity is gone by the wayside.

We're starting to bike ride/hike with the kids a lot lately.  We could all use the exercise, and it's possible for everyone to keep up without needing carried a lot.  Two nights ago, we biked about 5 miles on the local bike trail, and that seemed just right for everyone.  Last night, we decided to stay closer to home, and we biked down our road about a mile and a half.   About a mile and a half from our house are two cool things to see... a creek and an eagle's nest.

(the eagle's next as seen early last Spring)

Last night we checked out the creek.  As we approached it from the south, Austin (15) spied something in the field next to the creek.  It was a

snapping turtle.

It was a little way off the road and down a steep ditch.  He went down to check it out, and the rest of the kids (except Violet) were able to follow him.  Mark wanted Austin to pick up the turtle and bring it over for Violet to see it.  Austin looked at him doubtfully, and Mark said, "If you just pick him up by the back sides of his shell, he can't hurt you.  Go ahead!"  I said, "Um, I'm not so sure about that."  He urged Austin on, and, after a bit of taunting, Austin reached down and grabbed the sides of its shell.  I'm not sure what happened next, because it happened so fast, but either the turtle jumped or Austin jumped or they both jumped.  It hissed, snapped, and Austin dropped it like a hot potato.  His heart undoubtedly in his throat, he glared at Mark, and Mark laughed hysterically.  Austin then began to taunt Mark to get him to come down and try it too.   Mark and I took Violet down to check it out, and Mark decided (after a little begging from his wife) that he would try to keep all his fingers.  (Incidentally, this is another male-thing, I find: the taunting-into-doing-something-dangerous thing.  I can scarce imagine myself saying to my girls, "I dare you to poke that hornet's nest," or "I bet you can't jump this ravine on the four-wheeler."  I am thankfully inclined to consider the possible consequences.  My guys seem to get a high off of daring each other to do the ill-advised.)  The boys poked at the turtle a bit with a corn stalk, and it snapped off the stalks in its mouth.  Violet also took a stick and touched its shell, and it turned around and hissed at her.

All-in-all, it was a pretty fun lesson about snappers.  It reminded me of a few years ago.  When we lived in town, Mark had taken the older kids down to the river, and they'd returned home with a cute, little, unique-looking turtle.  It looked like one of these little guys.

Turns out, he had told the kids they could keep it.  Turns out it was a baby alligator snapping turtle.  Upon further investigation into what it would require for care, we decided that, in order to give "Snappy" a good home, we would need to plan to live about 100 years, have a large bathtub we did not intend to use, supply him with an almost unlimited supply of raw fish, amphibians, and reptiles for food, be personally resistant to salmonella infection, and have fingers that are impervious to being bitten off.  "Snappy" was returned to his home at the river, because "his mommy and daddy were missing him".

Okay, so back to the bike ride.  Our road is great for biking - when you're going away from the house.  When you're coming toward the house, on the other hand, it's a steady, uphill climb for about the last 1/4 mile... all the way till we get home.  I made a deal with Claire (8) that if she didn't stop the whole way up the last incline stretch I wouldn't either.  So we biked, without stopping, up the incline.  About halfway up the hill, I inhaled a bug of some sort.  Some people might have found this daunting.  I, on the other hand, was grateful for the distraction.  All the hacking and spitting while I was biking took my mind off the burning in my legs and lungs.  I was up the hill and home before I knew it.  We made it up the hill - no problem - and realized that, although we'd biked farther the night before, we got a better workout last night.

Last night at supper we had some Caesar salad - which has Parmesan cheese.  We somehow got on the subject of cheese, and the girls and I decided that it had to have been discovered by a man.  What woman would smell something and say, "Hmmm... this smells like my shoes.  I bet it's delicious."  Sadie (11) is OCD about her food.  She likes me to ensure the quality of her food before she tastes it.  She wants to know that it's not nearing expiration, does not contain any foreign material, and will not disappoint.  Well, last year we had garden broccoli, and it gets these tiny, green worms in it.  I washed and scrubbed, and yet she found a microscopic green worm.  This has ruined her trust in my ability to inspect food; so she does it herself.  A few weeks ago, there was a question as to when the next home school field trip was.  When I said the date, she piped up, "That's the same day the sour cream expires - and the corn chips I think."  She memorizes expiration dates.  I defy them.  Yet, she is my daughter.

Mark and I divide duties around here.  He does "man stuff".  I do "woman stuff".  Sometimes he crosses over to doing dishes, laundry, etc. (what we consider "woman stuff), but he never lets me do man stuff.  "Man stuff" by definition 'round these parts is taking out trash, mowing lawn, shoveling snow, etc.  Now, I don't have trouble doing these things.  In fact, in my first marriage, I did it all.  I mowed.  I took out trash.  I maintained vehicles.  I shoveled snow.  Even when I was 9 months pregnant, you could have seen me doing any of these things.  However, since I married Mark, I've not even been schooled on the new lawn mower.  He simply says, "You have a husband and two sons.  You should never need to mow."  Do I want to do these things?  Sometimes, but mostly I have enough other things to do to keep me plenty busy.  Mark is great at man stuff.  He can fix (or learn to fix) anything I can imagine.  Before I notice some thing's in need of repair, he's ordered the part to fix it.  Last week, he took a scooter that I'd run over with the van, and he cut a piece of wood to fix it.

Leviolet helping dad fix the scooter

I don’t know what you notice about this photo, but what I noticed in all of the photos I took of this project was that Levi was looking up at him like his dad was the god of scooter repair.   It reminded me of this photo of Levi and Mark when Levi was first learning to smile.  Mark could get him to smile better than anyone else. 

Mark's a great dad... to all of our kids.

the day Levi was born

Mark with Claire

parasailing with Austin

Levi smooches

Violet smooches

But then he doesn't get it from anywhere strange...

my father-in-law snuggling Violet

I feel blessed that He loves our children and treats them with so much tenderness.  When he acts like a man, it makes me feel more feminine.  I can't count how many times he's thought I was sleeping, and I felt him pulling the blankets up to my chin.  He never leaves for work in the morning without tucking blankets around me and kissing me.  When he provides tenderly for me, it doesn't repulse me and make me want to take charge.  It envelops me in love and makes me want to be more lovable.  I am glad that our sons have a good role model.  For their sakes, I hope there are some women left who want to be taken care of someday, because they'll do just that.

Levi giving Austin baby kisses

Austin and brother

Daddy and Levi loving on their babies

Levi pushing Violet around

Austin and Levi riding a hog

Levi posing with Violet

Levi "doing school" with Austin

brothers watching a movie

brothers in front of Grandpa's love boat

Last fall, when Austin was taking driver's ed, I took him to his class 2-3 times/week.  His teacher was a middle-aged man - very gregarious and somewhat on the flirtatious side.  A few of the times when I would pick him up from class, the teacher would say, "Wow!  You look too young to be Austin's mom," or "You're in such good shape to have so many kids!"  Although this obvious flattery was somewhat nice to hear, to some degree, it was creepy.  (For the record, for Austin to have been my biological son, I would have been just barely 18 when he was born.)  On the last night of driver's ed, I took all the kids with me to pick him up.  I got out of the car to thank his teacher... shook the teacher's hand, at which point his teacher pointed out again how he couldn't believe I had so many children, and then his driver's ed teacher hugged me.  Levi immediately piped up from the back seat, "WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING MY MOM?!"  Classic.  That doesn't even touch the time Austin followed a random stranger out of Menard's to confront him about whistling and making a remark at me in Menard's.  They're blessedly honest and fiercely protective.

I believe in creation.  I believe there's a God.  Because I believe these things, I believe the differences between male and female are not just coincidental or cultural or learned.  I believe He intended these differences to somewhat define us.  Don't get me wrong.  I know men that are killer chefs/cooks and crafters.  I know women who can hunt and/or fish with the best of the men and clean the kill afterward (and my mom is one of those women).  However, I realized a few things as I was sitting in church last Sunday.  Some of the kids snuggling up around me - especially Levi.  He kept laying his head on my chest and sighing long - at rest.  I told Mark on the way home, "Women are built with pillows.  When we're grandmas we have even more pillows.  Isn't that great?"  I am starting to appreciate my female "cushion" more lately.  I used to hate any extra padding.  As women we're told that we should work our butts off (literally) in order to lose our fat and look less cushiony.  I joke that I used to pray for dimples, because I thought they were so cute, but that I should have been more specific, because God finally gave them to me but in all the wrong places.  My kids seem to appreciate my cushion.  I can remember snuggling up next to my grandmas and appreciating their extra padding.  We are built for nurturing.  If we choose not to do it, it's denying what we were built to do.

The other thing I noticed in church - that we are all born to worship.  From the earliest civilizations on record, people all over the world built temples, idols, shrines, towers, and altars - places of worship to their god(s)/goddesses.  These days, worship looks more like grabbing the latest People Magazine to see what is happening with the "beautiful people" or raising your hands/lighters, etc. at a concert, or putting money, time, and effort into a person or people or group or cause.  Humanism as a religion, it turns out, started with the Greeks - who made superhuman statues and paintings of humans that were so perfect they were called "gods".  Humanism is also the most popular religion of humanity today.  "I elevate me.  I am the most important person I know."  We were born worshipers.  We automatically assign worth to everything/everyone around us... admiring and adoring those things to which we assign high worth.  We all instinctively know that there is something/Someone of higher worth and value than ourselves.  All we have to do is look around to realize that something/Someone infinitely smarter than we formed what we see around us.

The dictionary definition of worship is "the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity (God or ancestor)".  The words lack when compared to the acts of worship that people are capable of when confronted with the God who created us.  Beyond reverence or even adoration there is worship:  what we were created to do - who we were created to be.  There is beauty when fulfilling the purposes for which one was created.  Can things be used in ways other than their intended function?  Yes, but it's kind of depressing.  I could use a pen to clean out my ears, but wouldn't it be better used in writing a sonnet?   I could use a piano as a display shelf for knicknacks, but wouldn't it be better used in playing Debussy's Claire de Lune?  I could use me to be brash, manly, and serve only myself, or I could try to fulfill my Creator's purpose for me.

Moms, Milk, and Crystal Balls

Monday morning, a sweet friend of mine had an ill-advised home birth.  Having had several Cesarean births in the past, she decided to try to have a VBAC at home.  She did so, in part, because the circumstances of this baby’s birth were medically dangerous, and she was nearly certain that she’d otherwise be advised to terminate the pregnancy.  She did amazingly well with the birth, and the beautiful baby girl was born healthy and vibrant.  Unfortunately, some medical problems ensued, and my friend had to be rushed to various hospitals and ended up having surgery.  She’s been in the hospital since Monday.  This week I witnessed the miraculous gift a mom could give her baby girl without regard to her personal comfort and safety - the gift of LIFE.

As you might imagine, my friend’s husband and children were left in panic mode, and there were a lot of decisions to be made regarding their care, my friend’s care, and especially the newborn baby’s care.  Since then, people have added to already busy days to care for children, fix meals, feed pets and livestock, and just visit.  This week I witnessed people who chose to care for others more than for self.

(People grossed out by nursing may not appreciate this paragraph).  Perhaps the thing that impressed me the most this week was the way the newborn baby girl has been nurtured.  Her parents wanted her to have breast milk, but, for obvious reasons the mother was unable to nurse her.  People have come out of the woodwork to offer up their stored, frozen breast milk or to pump extra of their own supply to give to the new baby.  Lactating mothers from all over Northern Illinois have offered to give extra milk to give this newborn what her parents want for her.  This week I’ve witnessed the nurturing care of mothers for a baby they haven’t even met.

‎Tonight at the dinner table, the following conversation ensued:
Levi: "I gotta go to the bathroom."
Violet: "Did you almost go peepee in your underwear?"
Levi: "No, Violet. I just need to go poop!"
(When he returned to the table)
Mark: "Did you wash your hands good?"
Levi: "Yeah."
Violet: "Levi, did you remember to turn off the bathroom light?"
Levi: "YES!"
Violet: "What a good boy!"
(Looks as though I'm not the only one who's buckin' for a Mother's Day card around here tomorrow.)

Mothering - some women seem to be born to do it.  I am not one of those women.  When asked as a child, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  my usual response was that I wanted to be a doctor with pets but no husband and no kids - in a high rise apartment complex in the city.  Things didn’t work out that way.  Mothering has been a huge learning curve for me... from day one I wondered why I had quit my job at the State Police to stay home with a little thing that only cried, ate, slept, and made messes.  Things got better as time went on, but not so much that I wanted to co-sleep, baby wear, attachment parent, etc.  I love my time with my kids.  I also enjoy short times away from my kids.  

This reminds me of the Time Magazine controversy I read about a little this week.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you could just do an internet search and find it easily.  The cover shows a photo of a woman supposedly “attachment parenting” by standing up while nursing an older toddler.  The cover photo hardly depicts what I know of attachment parenting and pits mothers against each other by adding title to the effect of “Attachment Parenting:  Are you Mom Enough?”  First of all, I’d like to meet the mother who thinks she’s “Mom Enough”.  Personally, I don’t know any mothers who’ve made it to the point of perfect, guilt-free mothering.  When I was first mothering, I’d never heard of attachment parenting.  Now it’s all I hear about.  The older I got when I had kids, the more inclined I was to baby wearing, co-sleeping, etc., but I did not feel duty-bound to make it a lifestyle.  I still don’t.  Yet, God gave me children.  What was He thinking?  If you’re a parent, you were once handed a newborn baby at the hospital.  If you thought, “What an amazing gift.  This was what I was always meant to do.  Now I’m fulfilling my purpose in life,” um... I think you’d be in a minority.  I remember thinking, “Is this really mine?  Don’t I need some kind of license to take her home?  Is there a manual?”  Many days I still feel like that.  

Last Monday night, our family started with a bout of one, rotten stomach bug.  Violet started about 15 minutes after midnight when I was just drifting off to sleep.  She began by complaining about her head... not wanting to tip me off that it was her stomach - dreading that I might go find her a bowl.  Babies and toddlers HATE bowls when their tummies hurt.  They seem to believe that the bowl is a device used to induce vomiting.  Mine have always shoved it away, begged not to have it, and screamed when it came into view.  As I was searching for a bowl, she vomited all over her bedding.  I set her up on a blanket on our bedroom floor and instructed her to avoid the bed, because mom and dad needed to stay healthy.  In the meantime, I began to feverishly clean both upstairs toilets - knowing that these would likely become close, personal family friends in the days ahead.  As I was cleaning the second bathroom, I heard her begin to vomit again.  I ran to her and found her on our bed vomiting all over the bedding.  I wasn’t sure whether to remove her or let her finish the job.  I opted for the second, but not without intense frustration.  I said (I’m sure more yelled than said), “Violet!  What are you doing?  Mommy told you to stay on the floor!”  As she looked up at me vomiting and crying, she said, “I’m wiwy sowy, Mommy.”   Nothing like yelling at a vomiting child to make you feel like a world-class mom.  As I removed the bedding to the wash - including the dry clean only comforter that was clearly invented by a man or a masochist - it was my turn to apologize.  I lay down beside her and wrapped her up in her blanket.  I rubbed her arm and asked her to forgive me for being unkind.  Kids are always quick to forgive... at least in my experience... and fortunately for me.

I just finished knitting a Mother’s Day gift for my girls’ step-mom.  Sadie noticed they didn’t have a gift for her, and I offered to make one they could give her tomorrow morning.  She told me the colors Emily liked, and I made mental note.  This week, I was at Walmart when their dad and Emily dropped them off with me.  My girls hugged their dad and Emily, and she hugged them back - not just a pat or a squeeze, but a real, nice hug.  She loves my daughters, and I love that about her.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have not always found anything to love about Emily.  She was a cause of our marital demise.  However, she treats my girls with kindness, love, and care.  She nurtures them.  “Mother” isn’t a simple title.  “Mother” is action that earns you a title.  She may not be their “mother”, but she mothers them, and for that, she has my respect and appreciation.  A few weeks ago, Sadie started being very purposeful about making statements to me like, “Emily can do ___, why can’t you?”  After awhile, these statements started to sting.  I had to think them through and give myself permission NOT to compete with their step-mom.  She is Emily.  I am not.  She makes green pancakes.  I make blueberry or plain.  She always makes fresh salsa and guacamole.  I rarely do.  She gives good neck massages.  I prefer softer touch.  After thinking awhile about it, I decided to ask Sadie if she could tell me nice things about Emily without comparing the two of us.  I said, “I don’t mind if you tell me the things you like about Emily, but could you try to do it without asking why I’m not like that?”  She smiled sweetly, and hugged me tightly, and said, “Sure.”  After all, I figure she needs to learn that most people don’t take kindly to the manipulation of being directly compared with someone else.  Happily, we are all unique.  I’m glad Emily has things to offer that I don’t.  It makes my girls’ experience of women positive and diverse.  Why try to be positive about their step-mom?  Because they love her - despite what my feelings have ever been about her - she loves their dad and them, and they love her too.  End of story.  If I were to be negative about Emily, that would not only make them uncomfortable and sad and conflicted, it would show the kind of vindictive, jealous, and selfish person I am.  I don't think it'll ever be easy, but to pit your child against a person she loves because you don't like that person is to pit yourself against your child... whether it's a parent, grandparent, step-parent - whatever.

Claire’s cat Reeses had 5 kittens almost 2 weeks ago now.  She was a first-time mother, and we weren’t sure how she would handle it.  We hoped she would take to it well, and she did.  As you can see, she is the ultimate attachment parenter.  She nurses them all till they sleep, and then she goes out hunting or just lies under the truck in the shade - getting a little fresh air.  What a good momma kitty.  

My phone's Apzilla app has a "crystal ball" function.  I always get a little nervous when the kids start asking it questions, because the questions are inevitably embarassing, and the answers sometimes worse.  Tonight (probably in honor of tomorrow), Austin was showing Levi how to use it (if only he could read).  He asked, "Is momma wonderful?"  The answer:  "It is decidedly so."  Of course, I liked that.  Then I hoped they would stop asking it questions in the positive, because I anticipated the next answer would logically be less flattering. Austin asked it again, "Is momma sweet?"  The answer: Ask again later.  Okay, not so bad.  Levi asked, "Is mom incredibly beautiful?"  The answer:  I just don't know.  Well, honestly, neither do I, and that was the end of the crystal balling - to my relief I had come out unscathed. 

I guess this blog is a shout-out to moms in whatever form they take.  Some of us bore our children in our bodies... some in our hearts.  Some of us have them by our sides... some have them in our prayers... and some have them waiting up in heaven.  Some of us mother alone... some of us are lonely mothers.  We're still the most beautiful creatures God ever made... especially when we're mothering.

Forget About It

“Where’d you get that?” my husband asked as we stood in the bathroom (the only place we can hope for a minute or two of peace in our home).  I looked down at where he was pointing - a bruise on the back of my calf... a baseball-sized, deep black and purple bruise on the back of my calf.  “I don’t know,” I replied while wracking my brain a few seconds.  “I think... well, I kind of remember something really hurt a few days ago, but... Yeah - it’s gone,” I trailed off.  He looked at me, incredulous that I couldn’t remember something that would have caused the huge, fresh bruise.  Less concerned about the bruise than about my sanity, I began to think, “I’ve come to the age where I can’t remember how I’ve received significant injuries.”  Then I quipped, “Well, at least I don’t fully understand dentures yet.  I think that means I’m officially not over-the-hill just yet.”  I have, in case you were wondering though, come to the age where grooming is the lengthy process with which I thought only more mature women had to cope.  The cleansing, the exfoliating, the moisturizing, the eye cream, the tweezing - and not just on my face anymore... my limbs and extremities too! For instance, I had this blog hit me right after I washed my face tonight, and I had to come sit to write it, BUT I had forgotten the moisturizer.  Ugh... my face felt like someone had put super glue all over it, but no - it was just my skin.  When people say that, as you mature, you become “more comfortable in your skin,” I’m not sure that analogy holds true to reality.  As I mature, my skin gets more uncomfortable.  Not that it’s unusual, but I fear I’ve gone off on a tangent.  

As I lay in bed with Violet last night at bedtime (as is our nightly ritual), she rubbed my face with her hands and said, “Mom, I wanna be a grandma soon.”  I find this amusing, because my own daughters and my niece always say they want to be a grandma... not a mom... not a doctor... not president... a grandma.  I can only conclude that my mom must make grandma-ing look like a pretty sweet gig.  I replied to her, “Great!  Who are you going to marry?”  She said, “No!  Not going to marrrrrry.  Gonna be a grandmaaaa!”  I said, “Well, you gotta be a momma first, because I get to be a grandma before you do.”  She was notably annoyed at the concept.  I tried to help by explaining our family dynamic - that she is my daughter, and grandma is my mom, and her kids will be my grandkids, etc. and she said, “Well, then I gotta be a daughter? Then a momma? THEN a grandma?”  I affirmed that she got the concept, and she sighed long, and said, “Well, I’m your daughter, and I gonna marry daddy then.”  Well, I can’t blame her there, he WAS the last man suitable for marriage - that is, before I snapped him up.  :)  Tonight, we switched, and I lay with Levi while Mark lay with Violet.  She rubbed his beard and told him it was his birthday, and that she was going to make him a cake and give him a Rapunzel present.  He eats up this time with his little girl.  He’s finally getting a glimpse into what makes a woman, and he truly enjoys it.  Every man should have a daughter - I truly believe that.  Then she began to tell Mark that she was his daughter, and that she was going to have to marry him so she could get to be a grandma.  He said, “Well, I’m already married to momma.”  She quickly replied, “And me.  You’re married to US.”  Mark looked at me, and I smiled and said, “I’m okay with that.”  What’s funny to me is that she can’t wait to get to the age of grandmothering, while I’m fighting it with every cream and lotion on the shelf.  

My husband's "other wife"

I want to know things - like how to identify birds, for instance.  It seems that, since we moved to the country 2 years ago, I see so many different types of birds that I really want to know what they are.  Austin likes to tell me that he knows what certain birds are, but he just makes them up as he goes along I think.  I challenge him from time-to-time.  For instance, he told me this semi-annoying bird in our front tree was a Starling.

(This is actually a Grackle.)

As it turns out, THIS is a Starling. 

Austin and I can spend a half hour talking about birds and trying to look them up on my phone or the computer - only to end in frustration and/or with me searching in vain for a bird-identifier app for my phone.  Our conclusion?  We’re what we like to call “bird idiots”.  Even if I did learn the names of birds, unless they were to begin wearing name tags, I would forget their names almost instantaneously.  Recall of names, unfortunately, is not my strong suit.  I forget.

Where am I going with this?  I almost forgot.  I’ve been trying to figure something out - a concept.  It’s called GRACE.  Grace is, by definition, 2 (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.  Why am I trying to figure it out?  Because I’m a beneficiary of it.  We all are - whether we realize it and “take it to the bank” or not.  

Something most people don’t know is that the day I met my husband was the day I died.  I was looking for so many things when I was single.  I was looking for truth, love, friendship, God’s character, and so much of the time I found YUCK... except in that one area.  God’s character not only never came back wanting - it always surprised me with lavish grace.  I had, for some months, been giving lower priority to Mark’s phone calls in favor of another guy I liked  - who was more talkative, more engaging, and I thought better suited to me.  This man had asked me to accompany him and a friend to Chicago for a day on the town.  I was thrilled.  One problem... I had already told Mark I’d meet him for supper that night.  I had already told Mark it wasn’t “a date”... that I wasn’t sure I wanted a relationship, but that I was willing to meet him.  (Talk about your double-dating...eek!)  I wasn’t completely honest to either man about my intentions for the day, but I intended to keep both of my “obligations,” as the day began.  I don’t know why I just didn’t cancel with Mark, as the thought had crossed my mind.  Life proved out otherwise.  As I was in Chicago that day, we went to Barnes and Noble.  I sat in a section of the store alone, thinking over my single-ness... the out-of-control way I was often handling it.  I can’t remember exactly what happened, but the guy I liked came and sat next to me.  He said, “I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t think we’re ready for a relationship.”  I was completely taken aback.  I was annoyed, rejected, hurt... a place I had found myself several times over the past 2 years.  I felt like God was punishing me, and that He was right to do it.  The rest of that day went by in a blur.  When I look back now, it was actually kind of hilarious.  Mostly out of guilt, I imagine, he offered to let me do whatever I wanted for the rest of our day together.  There’s something funny about when you don’t have anything to lose in a relationship (or lack thereof in this case) - you don’t have to care how you look.  And I didn’t.  I forgot any desire I had to impress anyone that day.  I said I wanted to see Memoirs of a Geisha.  He and his (surely annoyed) friend accompanied me and, if I recall, my armloads of snacks to the notorious chick flick, and I blubbered and devoured through the movie crying off all of my makeup in the process and washing away any trace of dignity I could have had left at that point.  I can just imagine what I looked like after the movie - puddles of mascara and chocolate crumbs around my chin.

My heart just ached.  I didn’t want to meet Mark that night.  I just knew it would be another colossal failure.  I spent the 2 hour car ride to my meeting point with Mark bawling and praying... laying it all out to God and telling Him that I knew He wanted me to be content with Him and that I wanted to be - single and happy.  I don’t think I even gave a thought to the idea that Mark might be the man God had for me.  I didn’t want to be presumptuous.  In fact, I was sure that God was giving me the absolute “red light” when it came to relationships, and I was okay with it.  I died that night - to what I hoped for, what I wanted, and what I thought I needed.  What I didn’t realize then was a critical truth: God wasn’t punishing me.  He was rescuing me.  

Well, our “non-date” didn’t start as well as it might’ve, considering I was wearing a hoodie, blue and yellow sneakers, and not a speck of makeup... not to mention red, puffy eyes, and a somber tone.  I guess it turned out exactly how God wanted.  I told Mark when he returned home that I was not ready for a relationship... that I was not planning to have a relationship with him or anyone else for quite some time, and that unless God made it clear otherwise, we were on permanent hold.  I’ll never forget his response, “Well, I’ve been single for 7 years.  I’ve never been in a hurry, and I’m not in one now.  I’ll wait.  When you’re ready, I’ll be right here.”  I had never had a guy give me this kind of freedom - this leeway to just be.  I gave him permission to call me when he wanted, and the rest is history.  What has followed has been blessings beyond my wildest dreams.  I have never considered for a moment that I might deserve anything we now have as a family.  I know only this - I do not deserve it.  Mark does not deserve it.  He blessed us - not just despite our sin, but, it almost seems, to spite our sin.  It is only evidence of God’s grace... full and free.

This is the benefit of forgetfulness.  Psalm 103:12 says, “As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our sins from us.”  He has forgotten my sins.  When I can’t do anything but remember them, He has forgotten them.  They were nailed on a cross to His Son by His will, and He remembers them no more (Jer. 31:34, Heb. 8:10, Heb. 10:17). Therefore, He has no cause to punish me for them.  

I think a lot of Christians are afraid to extend grace to themselves and to others, because they fear it will be taken “too far”.  This kind of, “If we tell people all their sins are forgiven, they’ll just go out and sin in every way possible with no fear of consequences and no remorse.”  In the same way, we fear that if we believe God’s grace is infinitely lavish, we ourselves will go on a sin binge.  I have concluded that, when it comes to myself at least, binge sinning came, not from a feeling that I had unlimited grace with which to indulge a sinful lifestyle but rather from a feeling I had squandered the little grace God had given me and was bound for hell anyway.  Our acts of goodness, of love, of kindness, and of generosity must NOT be in hopes of purchasing salvation that Christ’s blood already purchased for us.  They should, instead, be done in thankfulness for that which was freely extended to us - no strings attached - at the cross.  If the gravity of God’s sacrifice for me does not drive me to pursue a holy lifestyle, then I probably don’t know or love Him at all.

I’m so thankful God is forgetful.

How Do I Forgive?? Step-by-Step

Well, as the title of this blog says, I know I should never do blogs in two parts, because I lose my will to do the second part.  Ah, well... I doubt very much that anyone was waiting with baited breath.  However, this is the best part of the process.  When I was going through counseling as a 20-year-old newlywed, I was brought to the conclusion that there were a lot of things in my relatively short marriage that I needed to forgive - get past - get over.  I remember asking quite sincerely, "Just how do I get there from here??"

In part one of this blog, I explained (and the quite possibly overly-thorough way that I can tend to do things) what forgiveness is, when it is necessary, when it is not, and left you hanging as to how it's achieved.  Hang... no longer.  

You need a piece of paper and a pen(cil) and TIME.  Before you sit down with your paper, you might best spend some time asking God to show you the things you need to forgive.  You might be surprised at the things that come to mind - things long forgotten, things you thought were "no big deal", etc.  Ask God to give you a humble heart - to see where you have been wrong as well.  Most of us have quite an overwhelming backlog of unforgiveness (causing bitterness) in our lives, and it can seem overwhelming to take things on at once.  The rest of us live in denial that we have anything we need to forgive, and that can take just as long for us to realize that there are things - no matter how happy we are currently, that lurk in our past - waiting to jump out when we least expect it and threaten to decimate our current happiness.  Decide whether you're going to deal with one person/situation first, or if you're just going to start writing.  It doesn't really matter.  Divide your paper into 4 sections.  Those sections should read something along the lines of:  1) OFFENSE AGAINST ME, 2) FEELINGS/EMOTIONS, 3) NEGATIVE RESULTS, 4) MY SINFUL/WRONG RESPONSES.

Under section one, list all the sins a person or persons have done against you - everything you can remember - making sure to follow the guidelines in the first blog about who/what requires your forgiveness and who/what doesn't.  Write everything that comes to mind - even if you're not sure whether or not you just had a standard the other person didn't meet.  Tell God.  He wants to hear them all.  (Phil 4:6)

Section two will consist of every feeling you had relating to the offenses listed.  These things can consist of things like betrayal, anger, hurt, hate, revenge, sadness, fear, desperation, loneliness, etc.  Pour out your feelings to God.  You may cry, scream, or just grit your teeth through this part, but you need to admit every feeling - to "El Roi," the God who sees.

Section three is where you write down all of the bad things that happened to you as a result of the other person's sin against you.  Ask yourself if the offense you wrote in section one caused any adverse effect(s) in your life or the lives of your loved ones.  This section would be used for things like, "because he lied to me, I made uninformed decisions" or "because she lied about me, I faced undue ridicule,"  "because he/she lied about our financial situation, I was left without security and trust", etc.  Tell these things to God also - as part of the offender's unintentional effects on you.

Section four is a list of your own sin in relation to the other things on the list.  This might be difficult for you to pin down, but it likely would be things like taking revenge, getting angry or bitter, hating, lying to cover up your embarassment, saying hurtful things (or texting or writing hurtful things), etc.  You come to section four last, because you might not be ready to go there right at first.  Once you deal with sections 1-3, you'll be more ready to deal with 4.  Repent of your wrongs.  Seek forgiveness from those you've wronged.  Move on in FREEDOM.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU'VE REALLY FORGIVEN

This was one of my major questions for my counselor.  After all, even though I was fairly sure I'd forgiven some things, those same issues would end up "rearing their ugly heads" and causing disunity in relationships.  Well, she replied that unforgiveness vs. forgiveness is comparable to an open wound vs. a scar.  Like something unforgiven, an open wound hurts most all the time, and if it gets touched or irritated at all, it flares up and causes even more pain.  You remember every, gory detail of how the wound was inflicted upon you, and you're not about to let anyone near it.  On the other hand, forgiven things are like scars.  You rediscover them from time-to-time.  You recall basically when and how you received those wounds, but you no longer have the pain associated with them.  That is the most precious and easily-understandable explanation of the concept I've ever received.  

If you know you've forgiven something and are tempted to bring that thing back up to the person you've forgiven, remind yourself that it's been forgiven, and choose to move on in the freedom that you (and your former offender) both have been given by your having broken the bonds of unforgiveness that once held you to your offender.

WHAT TO DO NOW

Tear it up.  Burn it.  Destroy your list.  If you have a difficult time destroying your list, you have yet to forgive some of the things on it.

Move on.  Thankfulness/gratitude and grace are the heart attitudes of a truly forgiving person.  You recall how much grace you've been given, and you are compelled to extend the same to those around you.

Realize that forgiveness is not a one time deal.  This will be a process that you will likely repeat several times over the course of weeks/months.  Finally, you will have fewer and fewer things back-logged to forgive.  Eventually, you will just be able to forgive the new things that come up - right when they do.  My counselor said, "God is a gentleman.  He brings us only what we can handle - when we can handle them."  Her point was that we don't need to be afraid that if we start the process of forgiveness we'll be so completely overwhelmed with sadness and grief and bogged down in the work of it that we'll be unable to function.  I usually took these things on in evenings.  If I had a free evening after the girls went to bed, I sat down with my paper and pencil.  The first time took the longest.  The second and third went much more quickly, and that was pretty much it for me.  The process worked very similarly for my husband.  Some people will have more to forgive.  Others will have less.        

WHAT NOT TO DO NOW

Don't go around telling those you've forgiven, "Hey, you know what?  I was really angry with you, but, with God's help, I've finally been able to forgive you."  Many times the offender doesn't know and/or care that they offended you.  This is part of what you gave up when you gave over your hurts to God.  You don't need the offender to know that he or she ever hurt you.  God knows, and that is enough.  If you feel the need to describe your pain and/or the forgiveness you granted your offender to him/her - that's an indication that you have not forgiven at all.  In addition, listing such things off to the offender is likely to end, not with your confession.  Rather it will begin a process of that person telling you all the things they have against you, and a never-ending cycle of grievances will be regurgitated between you.  This would defeat the purpose of forgiveness and likely generate more hurt for both parties.  In gratitude for your newfound freedom, leave such confessions in the capable hands of a loving God.

Do not trust everyone (especially former offenders) fully and freely... not yet.  Trust is something that needs to be rebuilt - not automatically granted.  Like you did at the beginning of a new relationship, take your time learning to trust, and don't force yourself to be guilted into granting full trust too soon.  A person who truly loves you will want to earn trust back - not expect that trust, as a right, should be given automatically.  (These would be red flags - manipulative people to avoid trusting - when people say things like, "Well, if you really forgave me, you would trust me," or "I deserve a second chance," or "I don't live in my past and neither should you. Don't you know people can change?")  Truly contrite people are willing to admit and fully accept the responsibility for wrongdoing and put in the hard work of rebuilding trust.  If you have trouble setting boundaries in relationships, the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John  Townsend is an excellent resource.

My hope with these two blogs is to thoroughly explain the process of getting freedom through forgiving others.  I am often asked how I get along so well with my ex-husband and his wife (incidentally the woman he left our marriage for), and forgiveness is the only explanation I have.  I am not a doormat.  I am not a pushover.  In fact, I am better able to stand my ground in a kind, caring way than I ever was before I worked through these things.  Although divorce is always hard on the kids and it is not what I would have chosen for our marriage - even today, I am happy to say that our girls can freely talk about their happy times with their dad and step-mom, and I can be happy with them and for them.  I don't make them feel the prickles of my pain or the grrr of my anger... because, by God's grace, I'm free.  So if you can't bring yourself to work through the hard work of forgiveness for yourself - do it for those you love.  They will benefit as much as you will... guaranteed.

  

The Key To Happiness - Guaranteed (Part 1 of 2)

There once was a baby born into a homesteading family in a cabin in Wyoming.  He was welcomed by his mother and several siblings, but he arrived too early.  He was so tiny, I’m told, that he fit inside a shoebox.  They called the local doctor to come see him, and they were told he wouldn’t survive... that they should leave him by the fire to keep him as warm as possible and wait for him to die.  They didn’t.  

He survived his traumatic birth and early years as a preemie in a day and age when premature babies didn’t often survive.  If only his birth had been the most traumatic event he was destined to endure.  When he reached the age of 13 or so, his mother died of a heart attack, and he was left in the care of the man who had been a father to him in name only.  His father, by all accounts, was a philandering drifter who had little parental instinct, it would seem.  When it came time for his father to parent him, his father had other ideas.  He farmed the boy out to anyone who would take him, and he ended up in abusive situations more often than not.  Small in stature (likely because of being a preemie and as a result of a rough bout with polio at age 5), the boy was unable to rightly defend himself most of the time.  Despite all of these things, his will to survive was as strong as the day he was born. 

As he grew, he had various jobs - driving cattle, horse jockeying, and eventually landed a job in the Illinois prison system in Chicago.  He eloped with a sweet, young girl when he was 21 (and she 16).  When they settled into a household, she became pregnant.  She suffered many (sometimes life-threatening) miscarriages around and about when my mother and her sister were born.  

My grandpa’s dad drifted in and out (mostly out) of his adult life - only showing up when he needed something - to use his son’s good nature for his own selfish gain.  As my great-grandfather neared the end of his days, he showed up on the doorstep of this son (who had barely known him) and moved in with him and his young family.  My mother has a few fond memories of this time, but she recalls to me her most pronounced memory - that he liked to show her a wad of cash that he carried with him.  (He was known to show off money when he had it.)  Those are her few memories of (what seems to me to have been) her greedy, selfish grandfather.  

These are memories that I have gathered from conversations I’ve heard and overheard, things I’ve heard many different people say, and many of them are second, third, or fourth hand... tainted by years of bitterness, I might assume.  The details are likely subjective, and I have my own thoughts on the matters as well.  However, as my grandpa's last sibling died this week, these things have made me think about something.  

There is one social tool more valuable, more important, more underestimated, and more misunderstood than any other in humanity’s “toolbox”.  This tool will give you all the things you’ve searched for in vain:  longer life, better health, lasting relationships, lots of friends, not to mention the ever-illusive peace of mind we all search for (often in vain).  It is a tool I use often, a tool I need people to use in dealing with me, and a tool I teach my children diligently, because I know they will and do need it often.  It is FORGIVENESS, and, when properly applied, it will change your life.

There is a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to forgiveness.  Some of us think that forgiveness is when someone says, “I’m sorry,” and you say, “It’s okay,” and you both go on your way.  Others of us think that it is “forgive and forget” - a way of forgetting what a person did to you so that you can both be happy again - a kind of “sweeping under the rug” of an incident or incidences in order to gain peace, but, let’s face it, forgetting is mostly impossible aside from severe blow to the head.  I submit to you a few things for your consideration about the topic of forgiveness and, more importantly, HOW TO FULLY ACHIEVE IT.

WHY FORGIVE?

1.  Because you need forgiveness.  (Matthew 8:21-35)

Last time I checked, none of us are perfect.  Even in the Lord’s prayer (Matthew 6:12), Jesus adds, “Forgives us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”  Now Jesus, of course, had no debts - had not sinned against anyone.  His words literally mean that we are to ask God to forgive us our sins in the same way (by the same measure) that we forgive others.  If we want full forgiveness (which we need to feel absolved and guilt-free), we need to also grant full forgiveness.

2.  Because it’s good for your health

I won’t go into all of the health benefits of forgiveness, but if you Google “forgiveness and health”, you’ll come across publications by most of the great medical minds of today (Mayo Clinic, Harvard Health, Arthritis.org, etc.) all agreeing that forgiveness helps chronic illnesses from arthritis to heart problems to blood pressure problems, etc.

3. God tells us we must forgive (Col. 3:13, Luke 6:37, Matthew 6:14-16).  
He doesn’t do this to be mean or unreasonable.  He does it to do what He is in the business of doing... SAVING us.  He knows that unforgiveness is a bitter poison that we drink  hoping the other person dies.  He knows it is essential for our happiness and health that we let go of what has hurt us and let Him handle it.  If you have more than one child in your house, you have experienced children fighting.  When they come to you angry at one another and you work to reconcile their differences, you can’t sort things out between them (or deal out justice) until they stop being at each other’s throats.  God is the author of justice, and He sees and is concerned with wrongs that are done to us.  We can trust that He will handle these things with justice in His time.  What’s more, when we’ve truly forgiven, we find we no longer care if God punishes the other person, and may even move to a merciful mind ourselves.

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS:

A choice not to hold another person responsible for an actual sin done to me.

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1.  Forgiving is not EASY

When I think about what Jesus went through to achieve forgiveness for me, it would be silly for me to think that forgiving someone else should be easy.  Will I too have to die?  Yes.  To myself... my wants, my desires, and my desire to control and punish others.  Will I live?  Yes, and more abundantly than I thought possible before.  I used to think that forgiveness went something like this prayer, “Lord, help me forgive ____ for ____. Amen.”  Done and dusted.  If only it were that easy.  It is not a prayer or a hope that I can do something I clearly cannot do in human strength.  

2.  Forgiving is not FORGETTING

If something hurts, I would be ill-advised (and quite possibly stupid) to forget that it ever hurt.  What would happen to me?  I’d get hurt again - maybe even worse.  The same thing applies to emotional hurt.  When a person hurts me, it’s not safe for me to try to forget that hurt.  It is, however, healthy for me to FORGIVE that hurt... for my sake.  

3.  Forgiving is not “IT’S OKAY”

You must remember that it is not ever okay for someone to sin against you - no matter who they are or how you treated them first or how you retaliated.  Those things do have bearing on whether or not you should seek the other’s forgiveness, but they do not determine whether or not a wrong done to you was really wrong.  You must first acknowledge that, however minor, a sin done to you was wrong... whether you feel currently hurt by it or not.  

4.  Forgiving is not a ATM (Automatic Trust Mechanism)

Just because you forgive someone, does not mean you should trust that person.  Trust works like dominoes.  If you’ve ever built a train of dominoes around a room, you know that if you knock even one over (accidentally or on purpose) the whole train goes over from that point back.  If you push that domino back up into place, do the others all go back up again?  No.  Even if you’ve built trust with a person for years, if one thing happens to break that trust, it’s broken from that point back.  Rebuilding that trust takes meticulous, careful re-stacking.  It doesn’t automatically happen, even if the wrong that broke the trust was righted.

5.  Forgiving is not a vehicle for God’s vengeance to be unleashed.

When you forgive someone solely based on the hope that God will punish that person, your motive is wrong and will doubtfully be rewarded by the merciful God that forgives you each day.  Our motives for forgiving others must be based in our desire to be obedient to God and our desire to be free from the burden of bitterness.

WHAT FORGIVENESS REQUIRES:

1.  A desire to be free from anger, bitterness, or resentment

2.  A choice to give up any right you feel you have to take revenge

3.  Faith in God

WHAT FORGIVENESS DOES NOT REQUIRE:

1.  Fairy dust

2.  A magic wand

3.  A sweet disposition

4.  A loving and tender heart

5.  A weak personality

6.  Stupidity

WHAT REQUIRES FORGIVENESS?  

1.  Sin

There are many people who think that every time they get angry with someone else, they need to forgive that person.  That’s simply not true.  If that were the case, some of us would spend most of our lives working through forgiveness - while others of us may rarely think of it.  We are offended day after day, but very few of those offenses actually involved a sin against us.  What kinds of sins require our forgiveness, and what should we ask for forgiveness for?  Betrayal, lying, anger, stealing, adultery, slander/gossip, judging, hatred, and anything else listed specifically in the Bible as wrong.  Why do I use the standard of the Bible instead of the standard of my own feelings?  Because my feelings make me “god” of my life and I determine people’s “sins” based on my own sense of right and wrong (which is often more wrong than right).  The only clear standard of whether or not I’ve been wronged is the Bible.

WHAT DOES NOT REQUIRE FORGIVENESS? (Keys to happiness in #1-2)

1.  Unmet Standards

Many times I feel that someone should or should not act a certain way or do a certain thing to me or someone else.  When a person breaks my “standards” that determine what his/her behavior should be, I become angry with that person (or annoyed or frustrated).  An example of this would be:  “I feel that everyone in the group should have helped set up chairs for the meeting and stay after to help clean up, but ____ didn’t do his/her part, and that made me have to do extra work!”  Society has some unwritten rules and standards, but unless everyone agrees that they understand and will abide by those rules, they are simply standards that we would like to see followed but are not “sin” if not followed.  The phrase “supposed to” would be an indicator of whether or not I have a standard for someone else’s behavior.  When a person does not meet my standards, I do NOT need to forgive that person.  I need to drop my standard for his/her behavior and move on without a grudge.

2.  Unmet Expectations/Hopes/Desires

Similar to standards, unmet expectations are a source of major problems for many relationships.  Expectations are when we “hope” or “think” something will happen, but it doesn’t happen.  An example of an expectation would be:  “I hoped my husband would notice that the garbage needed to be taken out today, and he didn’t.  He never remembers it!  Week after week, I hope, and week after week I’m disappointed.”  Expectations are just another example of our desire to control our circumstances.  When I notice I have an expectation, I should drop it before it even takes root and becomes something on which I hang any hopes.  That way, I’m not disappointed, and I certainly don’t have anything to forgive.  On a side note, God outlined His standards/expectations for us very clearly in writing.  If we’ve not done that with those around us (and we shouldn’t, because we’re not God and have no right to control others), then we have no right to expect that those people should know, much less measure up to, our unwritten code for their behavior.  

3.  Hurt Feelings

We all know people who are tough as nails - never seem to get their feelings hurt.  We also know people who are the opposite end of the spectrum - with feelings like glass and who seem to get hurt by almost nothing at all.  This tells us one thing about feelings - they’re subjective.  By that, I mean that every person has a different measure by which their feelings get hurt.  Therefore, unless my hurt feelings are based on an actual sin that a person did to me, they need not be forgiven.  Hurt feelings are most often based in unmet standards or expectations listed above.  Example 1: “ _____ didn’t come to my bridal shower, and I thought we were good friends.  That hurts my feelings.”  (This does not need forgiveness, because it’s not a sin for someone to miss a social engagement.)  Example 2:  “_____ promised me he would pick up our son to take him to the movies, but he never showed.”  (This requires forgiveness, because of the lie involved in the person who gave her word not following through on this word.)  

WHO DO I NEED TO FORGIVE?

1.  Past, Present, Future

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time deal.  It’s an ongoing attitude.  I need to start with the past to clear out the backlog of bitterness, but I also need to forgive in the present and plan to forgive in the future.  I do not need to subject myself purposefully to persons and situations I know would hurt me, but I also need to remember that forgiveness is always a tool at my disposal if I need it.  So I shouldn’t be afraid of people or situations fearing I could be hurt, because I have a tool to help deal with that should I need it.  This can help with people who have social anxiety disorders too.

2.  Forgiveness starts at home.

Family members are the ones we spend the most time with, and are also the ones who are most likely to hurt us.  I had a difficult time realizing that I would need to forgive either of my parents for anything, because I knew they had done the best they could with us kids and that they were good parents - great parents, in fact.  However, there ended up being some things that I realized needed forgiving, and this ended up being a wonderful help for our relationships.  Children, parents, siblings, cousins, etc. - all of these people need our love and forgiveness is where love starts.  We can’t truly give people full, free love if we have denied them forgiveness by our anger or by making them out to be more perfect than they are and therefore in no need of forgiveness.

3.  Self

While self is where our self-centered society would have us start with forgiveness, I feel like it’s more where we should end.  Forgiving others is way more helpful for our long-term relationships than forgiving self.  In fact, make sure that forgiving yourself is not just making excuses for wrongs you’ve done others so that you don’t have to feel bad anymore or ask their forgiveness.  You should first seek forgiveness where you have wronged others, and only then let yourself off the hook.  For the Christian, forgiving self isn’t really forgiving self - it is acknowledging (like you do for others) that God has already forgiven you by His finished death on the cross and that you don’t have a right to hold yourself guilty for something your Heavenly Father sent His Son to die for.

Now that we've covered the basics of forgiveness, the how was the most confusing part for me.  I've already said how it is not achieved, but in my next blog, I will explain how it is achieved.  

Disclaimer:  I am not an expert on any topic under the sun, but when I put into practice what I have learned about forgiveness, I experience an utter freedom I cannot fully explain.  I want the same for my children, my posterity, and for anyone else who might want it too.  I don't always practice it perfectly, however, and when I don't I usually end up doing regrettable things from which I find it very difficult  to recover.  I do know that to achieve harmony in relationships and the happiness that brings, forgiveness is the only way to bring that about, and I'm so glad I have this tool in my toolbox.