Some of you know how our family came to be. Some of you do not. Most likely, there are portions and details most of you do not know, but I tell you right now, there has been no greater miracle in my life than the one that unfolds each day in our home. And it's not for the reason you may think.
Many people have said things to me along the lines of, "Well, things were just so bad in your first marriages, and God finally blessed you and Mark with each other," or, "You finally both got what you deserved." While such sentiments are romantic and heartfelt, they miss the tragedy that is broken marriage. For ourselves, our children, and our posterity, these things are not as neatly swept under the rug. We live with the consequences of our immature, selfish, and sinful decisions daily and will live with them for the rest of our lives. These things are especially likely to come back to haunt us at the most inopportune times - times that should be the most celebrated and special: birthdays, holidays, vacations, and weddings. Because divorce has become so commonplace, this is taken as part of life for so many, but it is not the life we wanted - or want even now.
Detailed histories can muddy the waters, but Mark and I were both married to other people at age 19. His marriage lasted 3 years and produced a sweet baby boy - Austin, who was 3 at the time of his divorce. Mine lasted 7 1/2 years and produced 2 sweet baby girls - Sadie and Claire, who were 3 and 1 at the time of our divorce. Mark and I were not, nor are we sainted people, and it was as much our own faults that our marriages ended as it was the faults of those to whom we were married.
Mark and I handled our divorces quite differently. I have rarely been as sensible and cautious as I am romantic and impetuous. I saw my singleness as a problem that needed an answer. What I missed was that my singleness was actually a solution that God gave me and would lead me to the only truth that could set me free. The truth was this: We all have the same desire - need even - to be loved and accepted truly and unconditionally and to do the same in return. This desire isn't the cruel hoax that most cynical "former romantics" think it is. It is our very life, and it was put there by the only One who was ever meant to fulfill it, and HE is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." - Eph. 3:20
But I didn't believe those things about God. I said I believed them, but I didn't really believe them. So I dove headlong into solving my "problem", knowing that I was headed for a dead-end, but at the same time believing I deserved one - almost inviting one. I started my on-line dating odyssey, and it was a mess. I love people, and I "met" (most times never literally) more new people during that time than maybe ever before in such a short time period, and I have stories from that awful time that range from hilarious to ridiculous to heart-warming, gut-wrenching, to just plain ugly. My family and friends watched this train wreck, loving me through it - which still amazes me.
My mom asked me to go to Divorce Recovery classes... mmm... sounded like fun. She knew what I needed, and I did it - hoping still in the back of my mind to meet someone who could solve my "problem". I met the most amazing group of women (and a few men) who met weekly for encouragement, truth, tears, and laughter. I finally started to see that God was the answer, and I "knew" how God worked, after all. I needed to get close to Him and get that over with so I could get a husband. Right? I started reading a book called "Falling in Love with Jesus". It's written by a woman who has been chronically single. Oh, how I hated that prospect. I knew that just by reading it I would be horribly stricken with the same malady - aloneness. At the same time, I was trying to mentally prepare for it. All of this while facing first weekends without my girls - eating large amounts of pizza by myself on Saturday night in front of T.V. while romanticizing friends sitting by crackling fires with their loved ones near. (If only I had allowed my imagination to conjure up as many wonderful things for myself as I did for other people during those times, I would doubtless have enjoyed myself much more.)
I was hearing of the idea that God could fill the role of husband in my life. Really? After getting over the obvious mental hurdles involved there, I decided to start taking Him up on the "notion". I am terribly forgetful - to the point of humiliation, and you would think that acute embarrassment and regular inconvenience would be a suitable teacher. However, for me, it is not. I used to ask my husband to remind me of appointments, obligations, etc. Sometimes he did, sometimes not. So I prayed, "God, if you can be my husband, remind me to do - fillintheblank." Never did God forget to remind me in that still, small voice - right down to "Honey, don't forget the spoon for your dish to pass." Okay, so He can remind me of things - maybe that's a coincidence - maybe I'm a new, remembering me.
Next test... "man jobs". Along with my forgetfulness, locking the doors, in our many times questionable neighborhood was a job I left to my husband. I went to high school with a guy who is now a police officer. One night at 3:33 in the morning, I heard a knock at the door. After rousing from my extreme sleep stupor, I made my way to the door only to see a police officer facing away from me. My immediate thought was, "Oh, no! What did I do?? Is this about the cuticles scissors I tried to smuggle onto the airplane?" I could see he was on his shoulder radio, but I didn't see his face. He had been knocking, but had quit. So I knocked back very quietly. He turned around and said, "Marcie?!" Ah... I knew that face, thank the Lord! He explained that he needed to come in, and I let him in. He said, "Do you know that your garage door and both house doors are all unlocked?? I've been driving by about every night and checking on you guys, and I saw the garage door, and I came and checked, and all of your doors are unlocked. What are you thinking?" I wasn't thinking much at 3:33 AM to be honest, but he proceeded to check the house upstairs and down, and said to me, "You scared me! I was calling for backup and was about two minutes from entering your house with about 3 other officers." The thought of him and 3 other police officers entering my house and finding me in my PJ's at 3:33 AM proved motivation enough for me to ask God's future help remembering one more thing - door locking.
More "man jobs"... I had usually mowed our lawn, much to my chagrin, and done some of the minor repairs necessary on our vehicles. I had always considered these "man jobs", as my dad had usually done them as I grew up. Enter two more friends - a man from church who mowed lawns as a side job said he was over in our neighborhood one day a week and would pick up the lawn mowing for me, as it was difficult for me to find a sitter to mow the lawn. I didn't ask or mention to anyone the need for that, and he did it for free. Another man from church and his wife invited me and the girls to come over once every couple months and have dinner while he checked my car out and changed the oil. Man jobs accomplished.
Oh, and the dead bird... I was driving to Divorce Recovery one day, and hit a poor sparrow with my van. It slid up the hood and got lodged, ever so grotesquely, in my windshield wiper. I tried to run the wipers at speeds that would have worked for every type of rain from sprinkle to FLOOD - on this bright, sunny day to dislodge the broken bird, but it was the staying type. I continued to try the wipers as I headed first to pick up my friend Laura. I remembered that her subdivision had MANY little kids playing outside all of the time. I thought, "Surely one of these kiddos will find this dead thing fascinating and want to remove it for me." I pulled into her neighborhood to find bikes laying all around the yards - but not one child. Ugh... the idea of further embarrassment - driving to class with the dead bird attached to my already not-cool van - proved to be more than I was willing to bear. As we were about to leave for class, I was about to take matters into my own hands - somehow - until I remembered, "God? You can be my husband, right? Please remove this bird." As if on cue, a cloud opened up right above me, and the rain started to sprinkle on my van. I thought, "I've tried this wiper thing about 100 times today - hasn't worked." In my stubbornness, I waited until I couldn't see out my windshield from the rain. I turned my windshield wiper on once. The bird sailed across the windshield as it had before but this time it landed with a thud on the ground to the left of my van. The rain promptly ceased, and the night was as beautiful as a summer night could be.
I have as many stories about finances as you can imagine, but an interesting thing happened... I had quit my job when Sadie was born, and I was unemployed at the time of the divorce. The divorce was not particularly amicable, and I knew I was likely to end up with very little on which to live. I just prayed, knowing that Proverbs 21:1 says that God can change the hearts of kings. Then I knew He could change the heart of my husband. When we were discussing details about the divorce, my husband at the time - decided at the last minute to voluntarily give me and the girls $1,000 every two weeks to live on, in addition to the required child support. He also gave me his full interest in the house we had built together. I was offered a part time job at a ministry that allowed me to be home during the days with my children, and I have stories of amazing people who gave me gifts of money at perfect times when I needed it. I was the only woman in a divorce group of 70 who was receiving "maintenance" payments. I could just smile - knowing Who was providing for me.
Gifts? Love notes? He wrote The Book. Every night I spent time in His Word, there were love notes to me. If I had a specific need, concern, or hurt - He always addressed it perfectly with the turn of a page. But wait... I like gifts I can put my hands on. I went out to my mailbox almost every week (forgetful, remember?), and nearly every time I went, there was an anonymous note in my mail - beautifully written calligraphy - every word precious to me. I received cards and letters - sometimes anonymous, sometimes not, but every one a gift. As that first official divorced Christmas approached, the loneliness loomed heavily. The girls were scheduled to be with their dad, and that left me for the first time in my life with no one home on Christmas Eve and Day. "Santa" wouldn't visit our house this year. As sickness twisted my stomach, I trudged home from work Christmas Eve to find my Christmas tree almost obscured by a stack of beautifully wrapped gifts - 12 deep - under our tree - each one with my name on it and each one anonymous. The writing of it still brings tears to my eyes... as I savored the moment of unwrapping each one with my "Husband". I can't tell you to this day, the names of those involved in that act of kindness, although I have some hunches. But I know Who really orchestrated it.
Fast forward to the idea of asking God for what we want in a spouse - and actually expecting to receive it. My mom asked me if I could have everything I wanted, what would it look like. I said, "Strong Christian, over six foot tall, farmer who doesn't farm anymore (ie. good work ethic, strong, steady), wears carrharts and work boots to work, close-knit family like ours, someone who has kid(s) or wants them..." Needless to say, I was as specific with criteria for my second chance as I had been vague about the criteria for my first. I didn't expect this exactly, but a few months later, I got an e-mail from this guy:
His profile pictures he took himself - one of them was of him in his carrhart overalls after work. This picture of him on his parents' farmhouse that he was renting from them at the time. I thought, oh... how sweet. I never thought we would be married less than a year later. He wrote me about his son. He wrote that he had just gotten his computer and didn't know how all of this worked yet, but that he wanted to hear about me and was anxious to hear back. I wrote back a courteous response, and we talked a little via e-mail once in awhile in fall of 2005. When he asked if we could talk on the phone, I put it off for awhile. Eventually, I gave him my phone number, and we talked... or should I say, I talked. His part mostly consisted of long, what I considered to be awkward silences. I've since learned that to Mark, there is no such thing as an "awkward silence" (which, by the way, comes in handy when dealing with used car salesmen). I did, however, glean that he was an electrician. He had hoped to farm with his dad, but his dad had retired from farming, and he had found a different line of work. He was about 6'4" (or so his profile stated) and had been at the same job since college. All of these things... I still had no thought that he could be the man God had planned for me.The girls and I went on a vacation to Florida with my parents in November. I spent most of the time there avoiding Mark's calls in favor of others who were easier to talk to, and my parents were annoyed that I wouldn't answer, but I found it exhausting to talk to Mark. He was nothing if not persistent. In December, I had really started to become interested in someone else, and Mark continued to call. He finally asked if we could meet one time and see if there as any connection at all. I said no until finally, toward the end of December, I said we could meet in January one time. The same day Mark and I agreed to meet, the other man I liked and I both agreed that we were not at a good place for dating, and I realized that I should not be dating at all. I knew that I was not ready and had been forcing it. I felt God must be telling me to back off and let Him work on me for awhile - maybe forever - before I was ready for another relationship. All that afternoon/evening, I cried and surrendered the idea that I needed anyone else at all. I dreaded meeting Mark that night because of my new decision, but had figured all along that we were already a dead end. I just went with the "let's get this over" attitude.
I arrived at Candlelight in a hoodie, jeans, and blue and yellow tennis shoes - swollen and without makeup from crying all day. After a smile and a brief hug, we were led to our table where I tried painfully to make small talk. Sure this was going nowhere, I finally said, "So how do you feel about roller skating?" He replied, "Why do I feel like if I tell you I like roller skating you're going to want to go right now?" I said something along the lines of, "Look, I'm just trying to make conversation here." He slowly responded, "Well, I'd go roller skating with you, but I'd probably fall down a lot, and that wouldn't be very manly." I said, "Well, I think that is more manly than those guys who twinkle-toe around the rink like they've been there every weekend since 1970." He didn't wait to answer - totally straight-faced, "We don't like those guys in Iowa. We beat 'em up and throw their skates in the crick." I laughed... I was SO relieved. He DID have a sense of humor - somewhere in there. I went to the bathroom and tried to do some damage control on my face and hair. And the rest of the evening was nice. When he left that evening, I told him that I had enjoyed our time together, but that I had decided earlier that I was supposed to be done with dating for awhile - that I felt God wanted me to be single for now. His only response was, "You have to do what God's leading you to do. I've been single for almost 7 years. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not dating anyone else. When you decide you're ready, you let me know."
I had never had a man be so relaxed... so at peace... so patient. We stayed in contact over the phone, and those conversations went much better. He asked if he could come visit me the next time the girls were with their dad. I said jokingly, "I have plans with a girlfriend all day Saturday, but you could hang out at my parents, and I can meet up with you when I get home that evening. He said, "Okay." He drove 3 1/2 hours to my parents' house that afternoon, and sat there with them till I got there. When I got there, my dad took me aside and said, "If you don't marry him, I will." My dad had rarely if ever said anything complimentary about any guy I had ever known. I wondered what in the world Mark had said or done to get such praise.
I paid closer attention after that, and Mark and I started having those awful conversations that single parents have to have when dating. There was no, "What movies do you like?" or "What's your favorite color?" It was, "What if we were to work out? Who would move?" He said he couldn't move. After all, Austin was in school there, and his parents had helped so much in raising Austin, he could never leave there. I knew I couldn't move the girls farther from their dad. We just decided to pray. We had been, we would keep praying, and see what happened. His mom came to him the next day and said, "Your dad and I have been praying, and we want you to know that if God leads you to take Austin and move, we are okay with that." They had no idea he was thinking of moving. After that, we decided we could let the kids meet and see if they hit it off. We took the responsibility so seriously - knowing that the kids's hearts were at stake. That first meeting, the girls dressed up in dress up clothes and excitedly met Austin and Mark - liking them both immediately. Austin spent most of the time with me playing Battle Ships, and the girls played with Mark. We then went to Pizza Hut and swimming at the hotel Mark and Austin were staying at. I remember being taken aback that Mark had a cow skull tattoo - didn't know that until that swimming date with the kids. :) That was the last time I would see him without a shirt until we were married. We wanted to try to do things better this time. We laugh now at how dating had changed for us so drastically. We were older and had more "baggage" - mostly around our middles. At least for us, the time for superficiality had passed.
I met Mark's parents shortly thereafter on a trip to their house, and they were so sweet and loving. They confirmed all of what Mark had told me - that he had not dated but one time since his divorce, that he spent all of his weekends with Austin, etc. - basically that he truly was what he claimed - which is RARE. He obviously came from a close, devoted family - like I did. The next time I saw Mark, he proposed to me in the livingroom at his parents' farmhouse a week before Valentine's Day 2006. He didn't say anything flashy, because it's just not him. I realized that God had "fillintheblank" 'ed everything I had not asked specifically for in a husband... including the fact he is quiet, sensible, not particularly romantic, and sometimes downright cranky. However, he is brilliant, handy, funny, and has the ability - when applied - to be very charming. God knew what I needed much better than I did.
We were married Good Friday, April 14, 2006... barely over 4 months since we had met in person. My sister and brother-in-law happened to be in town that weekend, and it fit our plans just neatly. Levi was born 1 year later on our anniversary. Violet was born nearly 2 years after Levi. Our family is complete.
Some people live each day wondering if anyone has thought of them at all - even for a moment - that day. I learned in a very personal way that the Creator of the Universe thinks of me each moment of each day, and that He is even willing to put me on the minds/hearts of others who He prompted to act on my behalf... showing me His love for me. I spent those years trying to figure God out... even trying to manipulate Him to act on my behalf, never realizing that He was acting on my behalf every moment. I thought I knew what He would and wouldn't do - according to a set of formulas and legalistic ideas. He showed me that I could not predict or measure or imagine His ways, because He is WHOLLY different from me. I could never have imagined the things He had in store. Please understand, Mark and I do not believe that this life is preferable to having remained in our first marriages. We did not voluntarily leave those marriages, and we believe it would have been better for our original families to have stayed intact. However, we are amazed at how God can redeem a life from the pit. He set us in families and gave us others around us who understand the pain of broken families and the hurt of abandonment and shattered dreams. He is healing us daily in ways we may never understand. That is our miracle, and it happens every day.
I used to be afraid to be alone. When my worst fear happened, God showed me that my fear was unfounded, as I would never truly be alone. He would not leave me alone, just as He promises. I used to be excited at the prospect of an eternity with loved ones. Now I only long for the One Who put that desire within me. I can't wait for eternity by His side. That is true freedom.
Isaiah 55:8-9
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
