I have been walking lately with a neighbor who has given birth to 11 children - 8 of whom are still at home. I talk marriage and motherhood at length with this seasoned veteran of both, and it is a great blessing to me. This morning in particular she laughed at how often she hears people tell her that she must be a “saint” for having as many children as she does - eleven, to be exact. She said, “I always tell them I’m no saint! I only get through my days by the grace of God.” Time Magazine recently ran an article about how many young adults are now realizing that parenting requires too much self-sacrifice and are opting to “have it all” instead of having children. They can travel, have job flexibility, have more “me-time” and “couple-time”, and basically be more selfish without children.
Men often come across as obnoxious when commenting on the number of children we have (five). They tend to say things like, “Well, haven’t you been busy?” or “You know how that happens, don’t you?” Women are usually much more polite than men about the way they comment on the same subject. They usually say something like, “I don’t know how you handle it,” or “I wouldn’t have the patience, but good for you.” I find this line of commentary far more flattering as it puts me in the light of a lady busy about her job and doing it well as opposed to a woman wandering around like a cat in heat and tolerating the unintended results. That being said, I am laid back enough to have these children without fretting, but that’s mostly because I must not worry. Why mustn’t I worry? Because A) God tells me not to worry but instead to pray. B) I don’t have ultimate control anyway, and C) The more children I had, the less capable I was of being able to manage the details of their lives. I am completely incapable of micro-managing five people besides myself. In fact, I am completely incapable of micro-managing just myself, and I am ME (most of the time, anyway). I have no doubt that were I to have five more children, I would become less worrisome and more laid back than I am today. I think that’s why God didn’t create more effective birth control. Maybe He knew that if women had enough time to dwell intently on just a child or two, we might drive ourselves mad. I know I used to do that. Worry is a way of life for most moms.
While I was talking to my neighbor, she lamented that young women never ask questions of older women anymore - that we instead rely on Facebook, forums, blogs, and chat rooms to find mothering wisdom and advice. Our autonomous society caters to our way of thinking and parenting by allowing us to never really have our ideas challenged about anything. I rarely repost sayings on Facebook, because I often find them sickeningly trite. The other day I read a post that said that there is no wrong way to parent because parents are as varied as children and we’re all a rainbow of different parenting styles to form-fit our unique children and blah, blah, blah. This from the same site where a parent question the week before pertained to a “26 year old child” (and drug addict) who was still living with her parents... no job... no help with chores... no life... no sign of wanting one. Believe-you-me, there are wrong ways of parenting. I fight those ways every day. The urges to overindulge my children, foster selfishness in them, and allow for (or contribute to) their laziness are all things that threaten to render useless my efforts to grow adults. Those are wrong ways of parenting. They don’t lead to the point of my children becoming productive members of society. They lead to my children becoming entitled, spoiled, and useless... people of which the world already has an abundance. Yes, my children are somewhat unique amongst themselves and require small tweaks in parenting methods within a greater general framework, but to assume that I know it all and require no advice from seasoned veterans in the field would be ridiculously narcissistic and hopelessly narrow-minded.
My generation (and those after) do seem to generally feel most at-ease in front of a computer screen when seeking parenting advice. However, let’s face it, Facebook parenting is not reality parenting. I have friends who are on completely opposite ends of the "Facebook parenting" spectrum. Some of them are kind of like “honor student bumper sticker” Facebook parenters. Every status reads like a Christmas letter... every photo is with a trophy or report card. Then there are "Debbie Downer" Facebook parenters. Every status is about a massive headache/backache/heartache, children who are excessively needy, or housework attempts gone awry. Honestly, those are harder for me to read than the other type, but I also respect the honesty and transparency therein. I guess I fall into an “everything’s funny” Facebook parenter category. Maybe my type are annoying to others too, but I find that sometimes parenting is either a “laugh or cry” kind of gig, and I prefer to laugh, and when others are laughing with me it’s that much easier for me to laugh. Any of these styles (and more) are unrealistic pictures of the daily workings of the home - Honor parenters leave out the negatives. Downer parenters leave out the blessings. Funny parenters leave out the not-so-funny. A combination of those things would give the most realistic picture of what all parents inevitably face. The thing is, even if I did want to open up on Facebook and talk about a parenting problem, it would not only be inappropriate (and potentially humiliating to the child) to do it in such a public way, it would end in a variety of opinions and no hugs. Hugs and tears are what women used to do together on this marriage/parenting journey. Commiserating without the humanizing element of being near to raw emotions and response is not fully nourishing at best and is careless and unsympathetic at worst. In other words, if you need to vent, want some advice, or just need a shoulder on which to cry, talk to a humanoid - preferably an experienced one.
“The Bible says that ‘women are saved through child bearing’,” this same sweet friend said to me this morning - referring to 1 Timothy 2:15. Then she added, “What do you think that means?” After a moment of silence, I replied, “I don’t think it’s talking about being saved from sin and death. That’s what Christ accomplished for us on the cross. No, if I had to say how childbirth has ‘saved’ me, it would be that it has saved me from myself. It has saved me from being so self-centered and self-focused. It has saved me from my 'self' more with each child who enters my life, and it doesn’t have to be by birth but more by interaction with children.” She said, “Yeah, so, like women who haven’t actually given birth to a child can be preserved from selfishness by being a part of the lives of others around them who need a motherly figure in their lives.” We agreed that child-rearing and involvement have changed us for the better by reducing our control-factor and boosting our go-with-the-flow factor.
Please understand that I’m not saying that women who don’t have children aren’t blessed this way. Being a woman, in and of itself, is a blessing. Being a “bearer of life” isn’t necessarily a physical act. It is a state of being. It is a way of life. I used to resent being female... especially in high school. I hated all of the “special” aspects of being a woman. Even in my younger years of marriage, I resented being saddled with the responsibilities of child-bathing, diaper changes, late-nights/early-mornings with cranky or sick babies. I didn’t naturally gravitate toward a love of motherhood like some of my friends seemed to do so easily. No. It’s been a journey for me. However, even just within the last month or so I have come to increasingly appreciate my position. Women of all stripes are cursed with the desire to control our circumstances and those around us. We want perfection for ourselves and others. Look to any media outlet, movie, political organization, church, etc. and you will find women grasping for power. We want to be president. We want to preach. We want jobs with equal pay. We want the right to choose for ourselves and those around us. We want... want... want POWER, and we won’t stop at “equality”. I see women bossing their husbands and boyfriends constantly... and trying to control their friends and family. The most common reason for mother-in-law/daughter-in-law conflicts? Both are trying to exercise control over some aspect of their own/each other's lives. Neither mother nor daughter are surrendered, resting, and at peace with their past, present, and future.
I will submit to you, now that I’ve recognized it in my own life, that motherhood is powerful. It is the most powerful position a woman can hold on this planet. I am the hub of our household. I call myself “home base”. The household activities and people in it revolve around my presence. I don’t plan it this way. If I’m at the computer and the rest of my family starts to watch a movie or decides to go on a walk, they won’t do it without my involvement. Wherever I am, someone is always looking for me... to bandage a wound... to find a lost shoe... to tell them “what’s for supper”... to listen to a silly story... to bask in the beauty of a stick-figure art project... to hum a bedtime tune... to detangle and braid a doll’s plastic hair... to talk through a broken heart... to stand up to an injustice... to sew a patch on a favorite pair of worn-out jeans or un-stain a “lucky shirt”... even (for my boys) to be willing to be protected from perceived (or imagined) harm.
We had a "corn party" this week with my whole family. Here in Illinois we have corn - a lot of corn. Sometimes towards the end of summer we will get a large batch of sweet corn to shuck, boil, cut off the cob, bag, and freeze. We spent two days this week completing this process on approximately 1400 ears of corn. There was a lot of talking, laughing, "corny" jokes, and even some singing, but amongst it all there was a special conversation. My sister and I began talking about the thoughts we had both had about adoption - specifically about special needs international children. As a few of the other family members voiced doubts and concerns about the prospect, my sister said, "Well, isn't motherhood a lifetime commitment? It's not just something you ever stop doing." We agreed. Motherhood is eternal. Once I became a mother (even an expectant one), it isn't something I could have ever "unbecome". I was immediately changed. I would always be someone's most comforting presence. I would always be someone's "home". I would always be someone's most recognizable face and voice (for better or worse). I would maybe even get to be someone's favorite face and voice. I might even get to be the person someone is most comforted to see and hear in the whole world.
My mother was quite involved at the small, private school I attended from pre-school to twelfth grade. She coached sports. She taught PE. She was on PTA. She was a presence in the building often. I can still remember that, even as a high schooler, I could hear her laughter ring through the hallways, and it made me feel safe. I felt home when I heard her voice. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why, but hearing that voice in the building brought me security. Did we always get along? No. Did we always agree? No. Did she always love me? Yes, and I knew it.
I am that "voice in the hallway" for my children... for better or worse. I have more influence over their lives and destiny than any one humanoid ever will. I was there before their first breaths. By God’s grace, they’ll be there for my last breaths. They seek me out for approval, for nourishment and sustenance, for identity, for affection, for advice, for knowledge, for friendship, for help, for everything. That is power and not to be taken lightly. The daily question is, “How will I use that power?” There is a fine line between influence and control, and I want to be very careful not to cross that line. How could I go a day without asking God to help me know what they need and to give me the grace to give that to them... to give them freedom and accountability... to give them stability and adventure... to give them wisdom to make their own best decisions... to give them my prayers for God’s direction and then leave them in His capable hands. God gave me power when He gave me babies, and He expected me to give it back to Him in the form of people who are prepared to and who desire to give Him glory.
