Forget About It

“Where’d you get that?” my husband asked as we stood in the bathroom (the only place we can hope for a minute or two of peace in our home).  I looked down at where he was pointing - a bruise on the back of my calf... a baseball-sized, deep black and purple bruise on the back of my calf.  “I don’t know,” I replied while wracking my brain a few seconds.  “I think... well, I kind of remember something really hurt a few days ago, but... Yeah - it’s gone,” I trailed off.  He looked at me, incredulous that I couldn’t remember something that would have caused the huge, fresh bruise.  Less concerned about the bruise than about my sanity, I began to think, “I’ve come to the age where I can’t remember how I’ve received significant injuries.”  Then I quipped, “Well, at least I don’t fully understand dentures yet.  I think that means I’m officially not over-the-hill just yet.”  I have, in case you were wondering though, come to the age where grooming is the lengthy process with which I thought only more mature women had to cope.  The cleansing, the exfoliating, the moisturizing, the eye cream, the tweezing - and not just on my face anymore... my limbs and extremities too! For instance, I had this blog hit me right after I washed my face tonight, and I had to come sit to write it, BUT I had forgotten the moisturizer.  Ugh... my face felt like someone had put super glue all over it, but no - it was just my skin.  When people say that, as you mature, you become “more comfortable in your skin,” I’m not sure that analogy holds true to reality.  As I mature, my skin gets more uncomfortable.  Not that it’s unusual, but I fear I’ve gone off on a tangent.  

As I lay in bed with Violet last night at bedtime (as is our nightly ritual), she rubbed my face with her hands and said, “Mom, I wanna be a grandma soon.”  I find this amusing, because my own daughters and my niece always say they want to be a grandma... not a mom... not a doctor... not president... a grandma.  I can only conclude that my mom must make grandma-ing look like a pretty sweet gig.  I replied to her, “Great!  Who are you going to marry?”  She said, “No!  Not going to marrrrrry.  Gonna be a grandmaaaa!”  I said, “Well, you gotta be a momma first, because I get to be a grandma before you do.”  She was notably annoyed at the concept.  I tried to help by explaining our family dynamic - that she is my daughter, and grandma is my mom, and her kids will be my grandkids, etc. and she said, “Well, then I gotta be a daughter? Then a momma? THEN a grandma?”  I affirmed that she got the concept, and she sighed long, and said, “Well, I’m your daughter, and I gonna marry daddy then.”  Well, I can’t blame her there, he WAS the last man suitable for marriage - that is, before I snapped him up.  :)  Tonight, we switched, and I lay with Levi while Mark lay with Violet.  She rubbed his beard and told him it was his birthday, and that she was going to make him a cake and give him a Rapunzel present.  He eats up this time with his little girl.  He’s finally getting a glimpse into what makes a woman, and he truly enjoys it.  Every man should have a daughter - I truly believe that.  Then she began to tell Mark that she was his daughter, and that she was going to have to marry him so she could get to be a grandma.  He said, “Well, I’m already married to momma.”  She quickly replied, “And me.  You’re married to US.”  Mark looked at me, and I smiled and said, “I’m okay with that.”  What’s funny to me is that she can’t wait to get to the age of grandmothering, while I’m fighting it with every cream and lotion on the shelf.  

My husband's "other wife"

I want to know things - like how to identify birds, for instance.  It seems that, since we moved to the country 2 years ago, I see so many different types of birds that I really want to know what they are.  Austin likes to tell me that he knows what certain birds are, but he just makes them up as he goes along I think.  I challenge him from time-to-time.  For instance, he told me this semi-annoying bird in our front tree was a Starling.

(This is actually a Grackle.)

As it turns out, THIS is a Starling. 

Austin and I can spend a half hour talking about birds and trying to look them up on my phone or the computer - only to end in frustration and/or with me searching in vain for a bird-identifier app for my phone.  Our conclusion?  We’re what we like to call “bird idiots”.  Even if I did learn the names of birds, unless they were to begin wearing name tags, I would forget their names almost instantaneously.  Recall of names, unfortunately, is not my strong suit.  I forget.

Where am I going with this?  I almost forgot.  I’ve been trying to figure something out - a concept.  It’s called GRACE.  Grace is, by definition, 2 (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.  Why am I trying to figure it out?  Because I’m a beneficiary of it.  We all are - whether we realize it and “take it to the bank” or not.  

Something most people don’t know is that the day I met my husband was the day I died.  I was looking for so many things when I was single.  I was looking for truth, love, friendship, God’s character, and so much of the time I found YUCK... except in that one area.  God’s character not only never came back wanting - it always surprised me with lavish grace.  I had, for some months, been giving lower priority to Mark’s phone calls in favor of another guy I liked  - who was more talkative, more engaging, and I thought better suited to me.  This man had asked me to accompany him and a friend to Chicago for a day on the town.  I was thrilled.  One problem... I had already told Mark I’d meet him for supper that night.  I had already told Mark it wasn’t “a date”... that I wasn’t sure I wanted a relationship, but that I was willing to meet him.  (Talk about your double-dating...eek!)  I wasn’t completely honest to either man about my intentions for the day, but I intended to keep both of my “obligations,” as the day began.  I don’t know why I just didn’t cancel with Mark, as the thought had crossed my mind.  Life proved out otherwise.  As I was in Chicago that day, we went to Barnes and Noble.  I sat in a section of the store alone, thinking over my single-ness... the out-of-control way I was often handling it.  I can’t remember exactly what happened, but the guy I liked came and sat next to me.  He said, “I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t think we’re ready for a relationship.”  I was completely taken aback.  I was annoyed, rejected, hurt... a place I had found myself several times over the past 2 years.  I felt like God was punishing me, and that He was right to do it.  The rest of that day went by in a blur.  When I look back now, it was actually kind of hilarious.  Mostly out of guilt, I imagine, he offered to let me do whatever I wanted for the rest of our day together.  There’s something funny about when you don’t have anything to lose in a relationship (or lack thereof in this case) - you don’t have to care how you look.  And I didn’t.  I forgot any desire I had to impress anyone that day.  I said I wanted to see Memoirs of a Geisha.  He and his (surely annoyed) friend accompanied me and, if I recall, my armloads of snacks to the notorious chick flick, and I blubbered and devoured through the movie crying off all of my makeup in the process and washing away any trace of dignity I could have had left at that point.  I can just imagine what I looked like after the movie - puddles of mascara and chocolate crumbs around my chin.

My heart just ached.  I didn’t want to meet Mark that night.  I just knew it would be another colossal failure.  I spent the 2 hour car ride to my meeting point with Mark bawling and praying... laying it all out to God and telling Him that I knew He wanted me to be content with Him and that I wanted to be - single and happy.  I don’t think I even gave a thought to the idea that Mark might be the man God had for me.  I didn’t want to be presumptuous.  In fact, I was sure that God was giving me the absolute “red light” when it came to relationships, and I was okay with it.  I died that night - to what I hoped for, what I wanted, and what I thought I needed.  What I didn’t realize then was a critical truth: God wasn’t punishing me.  He was rescuing me.  

Well, our “non-date” didn’t start as well as it might’ve, considering I was wearing a hoodie, blue and yellow sneakers, and not a speck of makeup... not to mention red, puffy eyes, and a somber tone.  I guess it turned out exactly how God wanted.  I told Mark when he returned home that I was not ready for a relationship... that I was not planning to have a relationship with him or anyone else for quite some time, and that unless God made it clear otherwise, we were on permanent hold.  I’ll never forget his response, “Well, I’ve been single for 7 years.  I’ve never been in a hurry, and I’m not in one now.  I’ll wait.  When you’re ready, I’ll be right here.”  I had never had a guy give me this kind of freedom - this leeway to just be.  I gave him permission to call me when he wanted, and the rest is history.  What has followed has been blessings beyond my wildest dreams.  I have never considered for a moment that I might deserve anything we now have as a family.  I know only this - I do not deserve it.  Mark does not deserve it.  He blessed us - not just despite our sin, but, it almost seems, to spite our sin.  It is only evidence of God’s grace... full and free.

This is the benefit of forgetfulness.  Psalm 103:12 says, “As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our sins from us.”  He has forgotten my sins.  When I can’t do anything but remember them, He has forgotten them.  They were nailed on a cross to His Son by His will, and He remembers them no more (Jer. 31:34, Heb. 8:10, Heb. 10:17). Therefore, He has no cause to punish me for them.  

I think a lot of Christians are afraid to extend grace to themselves and to others, because they fear it will be taken “too far”.  This kind of, “If we tell people all their sins are forgiven, they’ll just go out and sin in every way possible with no fear of consequences and no remorse.”  In the same way, we fear that if we believe God’s grace is infinitely lavish, we ourselves will go on a sin binge.  I have concluded that, when it comes to myself at least, binge sinning came, not from a feeling that I had unlimited grace with which to indulge a sinful lifestyle but rather from a feeling I had squandered the little grace God had given me and was bound for hell anyway.  Our acts of goodness, of love, of kindness, and of generosity must NOT be in hopes of purchasing salvation that Christ’s blood already purchased for us.  They should, instead, be done in thankfulness for that which was freely extended to us - no strings attached - at the cross.  If the gravity of God’s sacrifice for me does not drive me to pursue a holy lifestyle, then I probably don’t know or love Him at all.

I’m so thankful God is forgetful.

How Do I Forgive?? Step-by-Step

Well, as the title of this blog says, I know I should never do blogs in two parts, because I lose my will to do the second part.  Ah, well... I doubt very much that anyone was waiting with baited breath.  However, this is the best part of the process.  When I was going through counseling as a 20-year-old newlywed, I was brought to the conclusion that there were a lot of things in my relatively short marriage that I needed to forgive - get past - get over.  I remember asking quite sincerely, "Just how do I get there from here??"

In part one of this blog, I explained (and the quite possibly overly-thorough way that I can tend to do things) what forgiveness is, when it is necessary, when it is not, and left you hanging as to how it's achieved.  Hang... no longer.  

You need a piece of paper and a pen(cil) and TIME.  Before you sit down with your paper, you might best spend some time asking God to show you the things you need to forgive.  You might be surprised at the things that come to mind - things long forgotten, things you thought were "no big deal", etc.  Ask God to give you a humble heart - to see where you have been wrong as well.  Most of us have quite an overwhelming backlog of unforgiveness (causing bitterness) in our lives, and it can seem overwhelming to take things on at once.  The rest of us live in denial that we have anything we need to forgive, and that can take just as long for us to realize that there are things - no matter how happy we are currently, that lurk in our past - waiting to jump out when we least expect it and threaten to decimate our current happiness.  Decide whether you're going to deal with one person/situation first, or if you're just going to start writing.  It doesn't really matter.  Divide your paper into 4 sections.  Those sections should read something along the lines of:  1) OFFENSE AGAINST ME, 2) FEELINGS/EMOTIONS, 3) NEGATIVE RESULTS, 4) MY SINFUL/WRONG RESPONSES.

Under section one, list all the sins a person or persons have done against you - everything you can remember - making sure to follow the guidelines in the first blog about who/what requires your forgiveness and who/what doesn't.  Write everything that comes to mind - even if you're not sure whether or not you just had a standard the other person didn't meet.  Tell God.  He wants to hear them all.  (Phil 4:6)

Section two will consist of every feeling you had relating to the offenses listed.  These things can consist of things like betrayal, anger, hurt, hate, revenge, sadness, fear, desperation, loneliness, etc.  Pour out your feelings to God.  You may cry, scream, or just grit your teeth through this part, but you need to admit every feeling - to "El Roi," the God who sees.

Section three is where you write down all of the bad things that happened to you as a result of the other person's sin against you.  Ask yourself if the offense you wrote in section one caused any adverse effect(s) in your life or the lives of your loved ones.  This section would be used for things like, "because he lied to me, I made uninformed decisions" or "because she lied about me, I faced undue ridicule,"  "because he/she lied about our financial situation, I was left without security and trust", etc.  Tell these things to God also - as part of the offender's unintentional effects on you.

Section four is a list of your own sin in relation to the other things on the list.  This might be difficult for you to pin down, but it likely would be things like taking revenge, getting angry or bitter, hating, lying to cover up your embarassment, saying hurtful things (or texting or writing hurtful things), etc.  You come to section four last, because you might not be ready to go there right at first.  Once you deal with sections 1-3, you'll be more ready to deal with 4.  Repent of your wrongs.  Seek forgiveness from those you've wronged.  Move on in FREEDOM.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU'VE REALLY FORGIVEN

This was one of my major questions for my counselor.  After all, even though I was fairly sure I'd forgiven some things, those same issues would end up "rearing their ugly heads" and causing disunity in relationships.  Well, she replied that unforgiveness vs. forgiveness is comparable to an open wound vs. a scar.  Like something unforgiven, an open wound hurts most all the time, and if it gets touched or irritated at all, it flares up and causes even more pain.  You remember every, gory detail of how the wound was inflicted upon you, and you're not about to let anyone near it.  On the other hand, forgiven things are like scars.  You rediscover them from time-to-time.  You recall basically when and how you received those wounds, but you no longer have the pain associated with them.  That is the most precious and easily-understandable explanation of the concept I've ever received.  

If you know you've forgiven something and are tempted to bring that thing back up to the person you've forgiven, remind yourself that it's been forgiven, and choose to move on in the freedom that you (and your former offender) both have been given by your having broken the bonds of unforgiveness that once held you to your offender.

WHAT TO DO NOW

Tear it up.  Burn it.  Destroy your list.  If you have a difficult time destroying your list, you have yet to forgive some of the things on it.

Move on.  Thankfulness/gratitude and grace are the heart attitudes of a truly forgiving person.  You recall how much grace you've been given, and you are compelled to extend the same to those around you.

Realize that forgiveness is not a one time deal.  This will be a process that you will likely repeat several times over the course of weeks/months.  Finally, you will have fewer and fewer things back-logged to forgive.  Eventually, you will just be able to forgive the new things that come up - right when they do.  My counselor said, "God is a gentleman.  He brings us only what we can handle - when we can handle them."  Her point was that we don't need to be afraid that if we start the process of forgiveness we'll be so completely overwhelmed with sadness and grief and bogged down in the work of it that we'll be unable to function.  I usually took these things on in evenings.  If I had a free evening after the girls went to bed, I sat down with my paper and pencil.  The first time took the longest.  The second and third went much more quickly, and that was pretty much it for me.  The process worked very similarly for my husband.  Some people will have more to forgive.  Others will have less.        

WHAT NOT TO DO NOW

Don't go around telling those you've forgiven, "Hey, you know what?  I was really angry with you, but, with God's help, I've finally been able to forgive you."  Many times the offender doesn't know and/or care that they offended you.  This is part of what you gave up when you gave over your hurts to God.  You don't need the offender to know that he or she ever hurt you.  God knows, and that is enough.  If you feel the need to describe your pain and/or the forgiveness you granted your offender to him/her - that's an indication that you have not forgiven at all.  In addition, listing such things off to the offender is likely to end, not with your confession.  Rather it will begin a process of that person telling you all the things they have against you, and a never-ending cycle of grievances will be regurgitated between you.  This would defeat the purpose of forgiveness and likely generate more hurt for both parties.  In gratitude for your newfound freedom, leave such confessions in the capable hands of a loving God.

Do not trust everyone (especially former offenders) fully and freely... not yet.  Trust is something that needs to be rebuilt - not automatically granted.  Like you did at the beginning of a new relationship, take your time learning to trust, and don't force yourself to be guilted into granting full trust too soon.  A person who truly loves you will want to earn trust back - not expect that trust, as a right, should be given automatically.  (These would be red flags - manipulative people to avoid trusting - when people say things like, "Well, if you really forgave me, you would trust me," or "I deserve a second chance," or "I don't live in my past and neither should you. Don't you know people can change?")  Truly contrite people are willing to admit and fully accept the responsibility for wrongdoing and put in the hard work of rebuilding trust.  If you have trouble setting boundaries in relationships, the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John  Townsend is an excellent resource.

My hope with these two blogs is to thoroughly explain the process of getting freedom through forgiving others.  I am often asked how I get along so well with my ex-husband and his wife (incidentally the woman he left our marriage for), and forgiveness is the only explanation I have.  I am not a doormat.  I am not a pushover.  In fact, I am better able to stand my ground in a kind, caring way than I ever was before I worked through these things.  Although divorce is always hard on the kids and it is not what I would have chosen for our marriage - even today, I am happy to say that our girls can freely talk about their happy times with their dad and step-mom, and I can be happy with them and for them.  I don't make them feel the prickles of my pain or the grrr of my anger... because, by God's grace, I'm free.  So if you can't bring yourself to work through the hard work of forgiveness for yourself - do it for those you love.  They will benefit as much as you will... guaranteed.