Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary - four years of wedded bliss. It may not seem like many to most married couples, but it is significant to us. It makes me want to stop and reflect on what has gotten us here and will, I am hopeful, continue to sustain us throughout the years to come.
I remember when my little sister was dating the man who is now her husband she called me on the phone, and she said something along the lines of, "He told me he loves me! I don't love him. I didn't know what to say. I know I don't love him, and I didn't tell him I did. I can't tell him I do. I just don't feel it... you know, that fire you have when you're 'in love'. It's just not there." I was single (again) at the time, and obviously had by no means figured out the secret of everlasting love. I just said the first thing that came to my mind... "Maybe the kind of love that lasts is the kind that starts off slowly - just a small spark. Then it can only get better." I had already experienced the kind of "love" that starts with "fireworks", swirling orchestral background music, and intense longing. I was immature, to be sure, but aren't we all immature in "love"? Long story short, it didn't have the power to STAY, and, after all, that's all that counts when it comes to love.
By the time I started talking to Mark Slagter, my little sis and her sweet husband had been married for several months. The love that had been absent at first had grown to a sparkle in both of their eyes that continues to this day. Mark was a man with whom I had no fireworks - hardly even a hint of warmth. Most of the time, I wasn't sure he liked me at all, and the question of why he kept calling me to initiate a contact made almost entirely of painfully awkward silences nagged at me. As the months went on, I realized something that had eluded me in my former immaturity. A man who pursues me is not entirely bad. I tended toward the thought that if a man pursued me with intensity and with little to no encouragement, he must have a funda-mental problem. "Why would he pursue me? After all, I know me, and I KNOW I'm not worth all this attention. What's wrong with him anyway? He must be crazy or something."
My curiosity at how he could meet my indifference toward him with a casual indifference of his own - not toward me, but seeming not to notice that I wasn't noticing him started a spark of interest within me. He was patient and kind to me and respected me in every way you can imagine. Love grew. It's still growing.
Mark's first marriage lasted 3 1/2 years, and mine lasted 7 1/2. A month or so ago, Mark and I were talking about our upcoming fourth anniversary. I said, "I'm nervous about it." He said, "Why? I'm happy about it." I said, "Sure, you're happy. You can celebrate the fact that this is your longest marriage ever! You're vindicated. For me, it's only about halfway to how far I made it in my first marriage. I still have four more years to go to break my personal best." Although said in jest, the element of truth is that I always wonder how much of my divorce was my fault and if I might be accursed when it comes to love/marriage.
I am taking this occasion to write our wedding vows. I'm copying them from the paper, wrinkled from nervous fingers and sweaty palms, from which we read them four years ago today. These are the proof that our marriage began under and is sustained by a Hand bigger than our own. The Hand we so dependently acknowledged that day four years ago, is the same one that holds us together today. Thankfully, I feel I no longer have to "make it work", because I can't. What a relief!
Mark's written wedding vows to me:
First of all, I want to thank our Heavenly Father for the gift of you to me. He has blessed me with you, and I thank and praise His holy name. I'm also amazed and awed by His love and care for us. Marcie, I vow to always lead, protect, honor, cherish, and love you with all my strength. I vow to do my very best to provide support, encouragement, and understanding for all your physical, emotional, and above all spiritual needs. I also vow my total faithfulness and deepest devotion to you. I pledge to never hurt or abandon you in any way. We didn't meet in an ordinary way, but we also don't serve an ordinary God, and it is that God that has brought us to this day. So, as Christ loves His church, it is my hope and prayer that I mirror that love to you. These are my solemn and unchangeable vows to you.
My written wedding vows to Mark:
1 Corinthians 13 states: "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous. Love does not brag and is not arrogant. Love does not act unbecomingly. Love does not seek its own. Love is not provoked. Love does not take into account a wrong suffered. Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." I am inadequate to love you. I hold that scripture up to myself and realize my utter inability to love you that way. Love is not a feeling. This tremendous feeling I have for you that has grown gradually, day-by-day is wonderful, but it is not love. That feeling may be absent at times. My love for you will never be absent, because it is not a fleeting feeling. It is a steadfast choice I am making today and will continue to make, by God's grace, every single day we live. I trust our Heavenly Father that, by His strength, I will be made able to choose patience when I feel impatient, kindness when I feel unkind, selfless love when I feel jealous, humility when I feel arrogant, forgiveness when I feel angry, surrender when I feel like controlling, hope when I feel hopeless, faith when I feel faithless, and perseverance when I feel like giving up. I choose to love you, Mark, by the power of our living God Who loves you more than I ever could. It is my prayer that, He will use me as a vessel of His love for you, as long as we both shall live.
I am happy to say this is our 4th anniversary. I know if it was up to me, this marriage would never have made it this far. I am thankful for His sustaining power, and I'm pretty sure we'll make it another 4, and then I'll be able to relax a little more. :)
