Before You Leave Your Church

I am a divorced person.  My husband is also a divorced person.  I’m not the kind of person who tries to justify my divorce in the context of God and the Bible (or any other context).  Marriage takes 200% effort.  If one or both of the partners in a marriage are not giving 100% of what they have to make it work, it will (at best) struggle and (at worst) end.  Our divorces were, therefore, 100% our faults.  I think he and I both agree that, up to this point in our lives, divorce was the most painful season of life we have endured.  We believe that the only express Biblical reason for divorce is unfaithfulness (or abuse).   

I was “born into” a great church of loving Christian people almost 37 years ago.  I still go to the same church today.  Needless to say, with the exception of some new attendees at that church, I know everyone there, and they know me.  When I say “know” I mean it in the sense that they have been witness to all of my major life events from graduations, educational achievements, baptism, marriages, etc.  They have also seen me struggle with my faith, get angry with God, wallow in sin, and find a new kind of peace in my relationships with God and others.  So they know the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.  They’ve prayed with and for me.  They’ve struggled and hurt alongside me.  They’ve provided meals and companionship during seasons of illness or injury.  They’ve provided spiritual guidance to my family and me.  They provided help in the form of car and lawn maintenance when I was a single mother.  They have been Jesus’ hands and feet in my life.  They have truly been The Church to me.  Because of those things, I have developed a frank familiarity and a deep love for the people at my church.  

Over the years, I’ve seen scores of people come and go from our church for different seasons and reasons, but there has always been a “core” group of people who have stayed... the ones who have “skin in the game”, the ones who served funeral dinners, mowed lawns, cleaned toilets, and set up and took down chairs for events.  They don’t just talk about their “commitment”; they do their commitment.   A few years ago, our church endured a significant struggle that split it into camps.  At that time, Mark and I felt that old familiar sting of divorce pain. The pain was so intense at times that we couldn’t even stand to be in the building.  It reminded me so much of my divorce.  I felt, in a very visceral way, the same spirit of discontentment and discord.  People who had developed relationships with those around them through shared love of Jesus and shared work of sharing The Gospel with others suddenly canceled their friendships.  Years of relationship building crumbled to dust.  I’m not saying that there weren’t some justifiable reasons for some strife.  There were.  Divorcing people have their reasons too. 

“We grew apart.”
“He/she doesn’t meet my needs anymore.”
“He/she has changed.”
“I’ve developed feelings for another person.”
“We are unhappy.”

The things we witnessed and endured as we walked through that difficult time at church were unkind words, anger, bitterness, resentment, pride, silent treatment, gossip, etc. You know, the kinds of things that human beings do to one another every day of the week but that we somehow don't expect to see from the human beings at church.  These things made life in church feel like we were going through a divorce every Sunday.  We found ourselves avoiding it altogether - even trying another church once or twice.  I remember the first time I verbalized it to Mark.  I looked at him and said, “I just can’t go.  I can’t feel that awkwardness and hurt every week.  It feels like I’m getting divorced all over again.”  He looked at me and said, “It's weird that you say that, because I feel the exact same way.”  It was a feeling neither of us had ever wanted to experience again.  In the midst of our searching, we both felt God was telling us, “Aren’t you trying to teach your kids about what it’s like to ride out the tough times?  If you leave because things have gotten rocky and rough, what are you telling them about commitment in relationships?  Stay put, and wait.”  We did - through the pain, through the Facebook “unfriendings” (I never initiate facebook unfriendings.  I think it is an immature and selfish way of dealing with emotional and relational problems and insecurities, but that's an entirely different blog), through the awkwardness... because we did want to teach our children the importance of talking things out, working them out, and coming out stronger and better for it on the other side.  We were finally seeing how those things have made (are making) our marriage last... and not only last but become stronger and more secure.  Forgiveness, loyalty, and perseverance have made our marriage.  Could they make our church too?

When I was a child, my parents did a lot of volunteering at church (as they do today).  We were at the church many times each week either working or attending services.  Other children whose parents did the same things were kids that we looked forward to seeing every time we were there, and we often did.  Tonight, a few of those friends were here at our house with their children.  As I watched our children greet one another at the door with big hugs and laughter, a feeling of happiness overwhelmed me.  It was almost as if God said, “See?  It was worth sticking it out and working through it.  Wasn’t it?”  You see, I remember greeting their moms with that same loving enthusiasm 30 years ago - in fact, I still greet them like that today.  We are family.  Very few can say that they are so blessed.  I have endured (by God’s grace) seasons of serious discontentment with my church - for various reasons (and I'm sure they have done the same with me).  However, I am seeing the “fruit” of sticking out the tough times. 

There are circumstances in which it is the right choice to leave your church, the foremost of which is heresy within the leadership.  How many times do you hear other reasons for people leaving a church though?

“His sermons were boring.”
“The music is not my style.”
“I didn’t get along with so-and-so.”
“I’m not being spiritually nourished.”
“That church over there seems so much cooler.”
“I’m not happy here.”

I’m wondering, would those types of things be good enough reasons to end your commitment to your spouse?  I should hope not.  Some of those reasons are just truly petty and call for us to rearrange our expectations, pray for the leadership, and ask God to meet you where you are.  Some of those things would definitely cause the need for more dialogue, sincere communication, and understanding.  I submit to you that those are the exact times when the strongest relationships are made even stronger.  You can’t be married without having the occasional argument.  If you never argued with a spouse, that would mean that one or the other of you is stuffing your true feelings.  However, if you bring up those issues, have a conversation (talk and listen), and come to a compromise based on mutual understanding, you’ll find that you have taken your relationship to the next level.  What better example could we set for our children about relationships, perseverance, and loyalty than by working out differences and staying steadfast despite difficult times.  We all need God’s grace, and we certainly should be able to (by the power of the Holy Spirit), extend that grace to others... especially within our church family.  

I once had a friend who was a young woman whose husband had recently gotten his first assignment to a pastorate.  She was so hurt and angry and frustrated with the congregation over various issues, that she wanted to throw in the towel and try to get a different pastorate somewhere else - or even quit altogether.  I remember saying to her, “Did you marry your husband for his family?”  She responded, “No, of course not, sometimes I don’t even like them.”  The point was made - we don’t stay in a church because the people are perfect - always making us happy and saying all the right things.  In fact, sometimes we don’t even like His family.  We stay because of our love for our Bridegroom.  We work with his family... making the most of our relationships, forgiving, overlooking offenses, and renewing that commitment week by week, year after year.

Making a choice of church is a serious decision.  Committing to any body of believers shouldn't be done lightly.  However, once that commitment is made, it should be a bond.  It is a sacred covenant. "Church-hopping" seems a bit like perpetually dating a multitude of people but never actually marrying any of them.  It's understandable why some people have trust issues with churches and the people in them.  However, just like in Christian marriage, you aren't marrying someone trusting that you'll never get hurt or that the other person will never fail you.  You are marrying them trusting that God will get you through those times when you inevitably do get hurt and are failed by your spouse and that they will trust Him to do the same.  I always feel sorry for those who are stuck in a perpetual dating cycle.  It's sad to me that they haven't gotten to experience true vulnerability with another person... that they might never get to that point, because it takes many years of trust-building.  I feel the same way about people who never pick and stick with a church family.  They are in and out of churches - never quite getting to a point of true vulnerability and transparency - where they can experience true spiritual intimacy, challenge, and change.

In a few months, Mark and I will be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary.  In another 10 years, by God’s grace, we will watch our grandchildren toddling around our house.  In that moment, I will fully realize the value of all those late night argue-until-you-get-it-fixed sessions.  I will understand the life-altering importance of all those times we extended forgiveness to one another, served one another when we didn’t feel like it, and dropped our expectations for one another... choosing love over being “right”.  We will watch the unfolding of something so beautiful that we won’t be able to imagine we had any involvement in it at all.  We will fully witness God’s grace in our family.

By God’s grace, I will be celebrating 37 years of “marriage” to my church in a few weeks.  In another 10 years, by God’s grace, I will watch my grandchildren playing with my best friends’ grandchildren in the church nursery.  In that moment, I will fully realize the value of all those times when I went to church when I was tired or busy.  I will understand the world-altering impact of all those times we extended forgiveness to one another, served one another when we didn’t feel like it, and dropped our expectations for one another... choosing love over being “right”.  I will watch the unfolding of ministries so strong and vibrant, relationships so secure and unyielding, and brotherly love so deep and so precious that I won’t be able to imagine that I was allowed to be a part of them.  I will fully witness God’s grace in His church.