Today I'm reminded of the old saying, "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime." This phrase comes to mind as I help a few of my girlfriends endure the heartaches of bitter divorce. In both of these cases, church-going "Christian" guys with sweet wives and children and imperfect marriages (an affliction of every married person) decided that another woman would be a better life-choice for himself and his mistress and that his own happiness should take precedence over everyone else's in his family. In each case, the husband chose a mistress and her child over work and dedication to his own marriage and family.
I struggle over this, and not only because the same thing happened to me but more because of what these men claim. They stand staunchly by their "Christianity" and believe that God has led them to divorce their wives and live with their mistresses and that God is blessing their current lives - the proof? "I know God's blessing me, because I'm so happy." By the same token, they assume that because the wives they left behind are miserable and terrified that those women must be the ones in the wrong... that they are being somehow cursed by God for their wrongs. Were the wives wrong in their marriages? Yes, as we all are in relationships. They have fully admitted their faults - even asking forgiveness and hoping for reconciliation and working toward it whole-heartedly. Someone once told me that marriage isn't 50/50. Each person has to give 100% to make it work. Thus, when marriage fails - it is the equal fault of both parties, and I agree with that wholeheartedly.
As I watched one of my friends today agonizing over the fact that her husband is introducing their children to his mistress and her child, I remembered that feeling well... as though I was being replaced in the lives of my daughters. I know now that no parent - however shoddy - can be replaced in the heart of his/her own children (a happy fact that I wish I had known back then. It would have saved me a lot of grief).
My heart aches as I watch these situations unfold, because these moms are begging God daily - not only to take away their pain and protect their childrens' fragile hearts during this difficult time - but to help them treat their former (or soon-to-be) former husbands and mistresses with compassion and kindness. All the while, they are being watched like a hawk by the husbands and mistresses for a slip-up in their behaviors. In both cases, the wives have had weak moments of strong words with their husbands, and the husbands have the audacity to say things to the effect of, "Well, if you were really a Christian, you would be kind to my mistress and to me and be happy that we're happy." If they fail to act sweetly in even one interaction out of 100, their religion is thrown in their faces, and they are told, "Well, if you were a real Christian, you would be nice - no matter what I do." The husbands take it further to claim that they are the "real Christians". These men who left wives and children for other women to make themselves happy... they have finally found the secret to true Christian morality and behavior - infidelity and abandonment of responsibilities. Am I the only one who wants to scream at this? Somehow the word "Christian" is supposed to translate to angelic, super-human self-control. The whole world wants a Christian who is compassionate, sympathetic, and sweet-tempered while at the same time not able to have those same feelings hurt when they are thrashed verbally and emotionally. They are supposed to have the presence of mind to forgive the swearing, screaming, abusive words of others and immediately respond with kindness and sweetness and unwavering self-control. Does that happen sometimes? Yes. It may even happen 9 times out of 10, but it's that tenth time, when a person might snap and say, "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to our kids? That woman is ____ (fill in the blank), and I hate what the both of you are doing to us!" Ah, then she has been the most filthy, anti-Christian ___ (fill in the blank) that the world has ever seen. Would it be easier to just say, "I'm not a Christian," and that way have the right to say everything you are thinking/feeling inside? I think so.
I mean, truly, what does a cheating husband expect his Christian wife to do? Is she supposed to say, "I'm so happy that you're happy, and I promise that the kids and I will stay out of your way and let you have your happiness. How can I facilitate it? Can I help throw a bridal shower for your mistress? I'll help you plan your wedding. It'll be great fun!"
I watch these first-time single moms as they pray before interactions with difficult people and situations - that they'll be a good example to their kids and that they'll respond kindly to the people who are causing the most acute emotional pain they've ever experienced. What are they learning? Most people would say, "They're learning to be a doormat." What they are really learning is to be more like God wants them to be. They are learning to give over control. They are learning to try to do the right thing - walking by what God wants them to do rather than what their human nature screams at them to do. Sometimes we win that battle. Sometimes we do not. Does that make us hideous excuses for Christians? No. It makes us humans full of sin - which is why we called on God in the beginning - for help... not to claim we're perfect, but because we know how desperately imperfect we are, and we at least want to try to rise above what our nature says to do. Knowing it can't be done on our own, a Christian just claims - not his own righteousness (because he knows he has none to claim), but a Christian claims Jesus' righteousness as his own and tries not to tarnish that sacrifice by being an idiot time and time again.
It's taken me awhile to realize that every time I am faced with a difficult person or situation it's God showing me something ugly in myself that needs worked out. When I was going through my divorce, I begged God to get me out of that awful circumstance... bring Brett home - anything to get out of the pain. Immediately, I got a mental picture of me trying to teach my daughter to write her name. She kept dropping the pencil in exasperation and saying, "I just can't. I can't do it." God challenged me with a gentle question, "If she says she can't, will you just let her quit? Would you ever stop trying to teach her to write her name?" My only response can be, "No. If I let her quit now, she'd never learn anything else. Writing her name is elementary and fundamental to the rest of all she'll ever do in school." His response was, "Exactly." I knew at that moment that if God let me out of that difficult circumstance - in which he was hacking away at my pride, my control issues, my selfishness, and so many other things, that I would just have to go through more of the same circumstances, because learning those lessons was fundamental to moving on to something else. If you are continually beating your head against the same brick wall of broken relationships, painful circumstances, financial woes, weight issues, etc. it's because you simply are refusing to learn to "write your name". You can't move on to the next lesson until you get the last lesson down.
I find it ironic that one of my friends' husband said that he knew he was in the right and that his new relationship was being blessed by God because he was so happy. If our happiness alone is a measure of whether or not God is blessing us for good behavior, it's a poor measure indeed. Does God grant His creatures happiness if they're doing the right thing? Does God grant us joys and pleasures based on our performance? Is God the kind of God that would give a man a fish (happiness) today and neglect to teach a man to fish (act in a such way that facilitates internal joy) for a lifetime? The benefactors in these hideous divorce situations, although they aren't fully realizing it yet, are the women who are learning to be kind when they feel anger, to forgive when they feel offended, to be quiet when they want to scream angry words, and to find satisfaction and trust in God rather than placing all their hopes in momentary happiness. God is teaching them - as they are willingly partnering with Him - to implement behaviors that will end in true, ultimate happiness. When we treat others with kindness, when we put self-control into practice, when we truly love others with our actions, then we receive the deepest happiness - and not the kind that disappears when a date night goes sour or a vacation gets rained out, but the kind of happiness that contents itself in having managed somehow to honor the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross with right acts when everything inside was screaming at self to seek revenge.
Now, that's not to say that God doesn't bless people for just no reason at all. In fact, I think that is one of His greatest joys, and I've been a recipient of those kinds of blessings more often than not. However, those things are momentary gifts - not able to sustain a lifetime of happiness.
Somewhere out there are Christians who claim that they are better than others, because of their religion. It's these Christians that make others have an expectation that Christians should always act perfect. They imply, "A Christian should always have the right response, and "A Christian should always be kind." In that world, it doesn't matter how hard you smack a Christian down, they are obligated to get back up and offer themselves for you to do it again... and with a smile and a "thank you". That Christians are to flawlessly execute Matthew 5:39, in which Jesus states that we are not to resist and "evil man" but rather give him more than he asks ("turning the other cheek" to persecutors). I agree that we are supposed to learn to respond rightly and kindly in every circumstance, but where is the practice field? Life is it. It's the practice field. A person can't practice right response to a distasteful person or situation until faced with it, and then is likely to fail miserably many times before finally getting it close to right - and then will likely fail again thereafter from time-to-time. Unfortunately, there is no other place to learn right response than real situations - when emotions are screaming, tempers are flaring, and pain has us to the breaking point.
No one - Christian or not - should ever presume to brag that he or she is above ugliness. Our fallen nature makes every one of us ugly in many ways - physically and emotionally. These are not excuses for bad behavior, and our ugliness is certainly not a surprise to God. Isaiah 64:6 says, "We are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags." John 2:24 says, that Jesus refused to entrust Himself to the crowd around him, because He knew what was in the heart of a man. They were singing His praises, yet He knew not to trust them, because He knew the heart of man is fickle and is prone to loving one minute and despising the next. If anyone could obtain perfection like God, then we would cease to be human, and He would certainly cease to be God. He knows we're incapable, and thankfully - even when we fail (especially when we fail), His grace is all-sufficient and covers our ugliness with the beauty of grace.
I don't know about you, but I'm glad that God not only gives me fish but that he teaches me to fish.
I struggle over this, and not only because the same thing happened to me but more because of what these men claim. They stand staunchly by their "Christianity" and believe that God has led them to divorce their wives and live with their mistresses and that God is blessing their current lives - the proof? "I know God's blessing me, because I'm so happy." By the same token, they assume that because the wives they left behind are miserable and terrified that those women must be the ones in the wrong... that they are being somehow cursed by God for their wrongs. Were the wives wrong in their marriages? Yes, as we all are in relationships. They have fully admitted their faults - even asking forgiveness and hoping for reconciliation and working toward it whole-heartedly. Someone once told me that marriage isn't 50/50. Each person has to give 100% to make it work. Thus, when marriage fails - it is the equal fault of both parties, and I agree with that wholeheartedly.
As I watched one of my friends today agonizing over the fact that her husband is introducing their children to his mistress and her child, I remembered that feeling well... as though I was being replaced in the lives of my daughters. I know now that no parent - however shoddy - can be replaced in the heart of his/her own children (a happy fact that I wish I had known back then. It would have saved me a lot of grief).
My heart aches as I watch these situations unfold, because these moms are begging God daily - not only to take away their pain and protect their childrens' fragile hearts during this difficult time - but to help them treat their former (or soon-to-be) former husbands and mistresses with compassion and kindness. All the while, they are being watched like a hawk by the husbands and mistresses for a slip-up in their behaviors. In both cases, the wives have had weak moments of strong words with their husbands, and the husbands have the audacity to say things to the effect of, "Well, if you were really a Christian, you would be kind to my mistress and to me and be happy that we're happy." If they fail to act sweetly in even one interaction out of 100, their religion is thrown in their faces, and they are told, "Well, if you were a real Christian, you would be nice - no matter what I do." The husbands take it further to claim that they are the "real Christians". These men who left wives and children for other women to make themselves happy... they have finally found the secret to true Christian morality and behavior - infidelity and abandonment of responsibilities. Am I the only one who wants to scream at this? Somehow the word "Christian" is supposed to translate to angelic, super-human self-control. The whole world wants a Christian who is compassionate, sympathetic, and sweet-tempered while at the same time not able to have those same feelings hurt when they are thrashed verbally and emotionally. They are supposed to have the presence of mind to forgive the swearing, screaming, abusive words of others and immediately respond with kindness and sweetness and unwavering self-control. Does that happen sometimes? Yes. It may even happen 9 times out of 10, but it's that tenth time, when a person might snap and say, "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to our kids? That woman is ____ (fill in the blank), and I hate what the both of you are doing to us!" Ah, then she has been the most filthy, anti-Christian ___ (fill in the blank) that the world has ever seen. Would it be easier to just say, "I'm not a Christian," and that way have the right to say everything you are thinking/feeling inside? I think so.
I mean, truly, what does a cheating husband expect his Christian wife to do? Is she supposed to say, "I'm so happy that you're happy, and I promise that the kids and I will stay out of your way and let you have your happiness. How can I facilitate it? Can I help throw a bridal shower for your mistress? I'll help you plan your wedding. It'll be great fun!"
I watch these first-time single moms as they pray before interactions with difficult people and situations - that they'll be a good example to their kids and that they'll respond kindly to the people who are causing the most acute emotional pain they've ever experienced. What are they learning? Most people would say, "They're learning to be a doormat." What they are really learning is to be more like God wants them to be. They are learning to give over control. They are learning to try to do the right thing - walking by what God wants them to do rather than what their human nature screams at them to do. Sometimes we win that battle. Sometimes we do not. Does that make us hideous excuses for Christians? No. It makes us humans full of sin - which is why we called on God in the beginning - for help... not to claim we're perfect, but because we know how desperately imperfect we are, and we at least want to try to rise above what our nature says to do. Knowing it can't be done on our own, a Christian just claims - not his own righteousness (because he knows he has none to claim), but a Christian claims Jesus' righteousness as his own and tries not to tarnish that sacrifice by being an idiot time and time again.
It's taken me awhile to realize that every time I am faced with a difficult person or situation it's God showing me something ugly in myself that needs worked out. When I was going through my divorce, I begged God to get me out of that awful circumstance... bring Brett home - anything to get out of the pain. Immediately, I got a mental picture of me trying to teach my daughter to write her name. She kept dropping the pencil in exasperation and saying, "I just can't. I can't do it." God challenged me with a gentle question, "If she says she can't, will you just let her quit? Would you ever stop trying to teach her to write her name?" My only response can be, "No. If I let her quit now, she'd never learn anything else. Writing her name is elementary and fundamental to the rest of all she'll ever do in school." His response was, "Exactly." I knew at that moment that if God let me out of that difficult circumstance - in which he was hacking away at my pride, my control issues, my selfishness, and so many other things, that I would just have to go through more of the same circumstances, because learning those lessons was fundamental to moving on to something else. If you are continually beating your head against the same brick wall of broken relationships, painful circumstances, financial woes, weight issues, etc. it's because you simply are refusing to learn to "write your name". You can't move on to the next lesson until you get the last lesson down.
I find it ironic that one of my friends' husband said that he knew he was in the right and that his new relationship was being blessed by God because he was so happy. If our happiness alone is a measure of whether or not God is blessing us for good behavior, it's a poor measure indeed. Does God grant His creatures happiness if they're doing the right thing? Does God grant us joys and pleasures based on our performance? Is God the kind of God that would give a man a fish (happiness) today and neglect to teach a man to fish (act in a such way that facilitates internal joy) for a lifetime? The benefactors in these hideous divorce situations, although they aren't fully realizing it yet, are the women who are learning to be kind when they feel anger, to forgive when they feel offended, to be quiet when they want to scream angry words, and to find satisfaction and trust in God rather than placing all their hopes in momentary happiness. God is teaching them - as they are willingly partnering with Him - to implement behaviors that will end in true, ultimate happiness. When we treat others with kindness, when we put self-control into practice, when we truly love others with our actions, then we receive the deepest happiness - and not the kind that disappears when a date night goes sour or a vacation gets rained out, but the kind of happiness that contents itself in having managed somehow to honor the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross with right acts when everything inside was screaming at self to seek revenge.
Now, that's not to say that God doesn't bless people for just no reason at all. In fact, I think that is one of His greatest joys, and I've been a recipient of those kinds of blessings more often than not. However, those things are momentary gifts - not able to sustain a lifetime of happiness.
Somewhere out there are Christians who claim that they are better than others, because of their religion. It's these Christians that make others have an expectation that Christians should always act perfect. They imply, "A Christian should always have the right response, and "A Christian should always be kind." In that world, it doesn't matter how hard you smack a Christian down, they are obligated to get back up and offer themselves for you to do it again... and with a smile and a "thank you". That Christians are to flawlessly execute Matthew 5:39, in which Jesus states that we are not to resist and "evil man" but rather give him more than he asks ("turning the other cheek" to persecutors). I agree that we are supposed to learn to respond rightly and kindly in every circumstance, but where is the practice field? Life is it. It's the practice field. A person can't practice right response to a distasteful person or situation until faced with it, and then is likely to fail miserably many times before finally getting it close to right - and then will likely fail again thereafter from time-to-time. Unfortunately, there is no other place to learn right response than real situations - when emotions are screaming, tempers are flaring, and pain has us to the breaking point.
No one - Christian or not - should ever presume to brag that he or she is above ugliness. Our fallen nature makes every one of us ugly in many ways - physically and emotionally. These are not excuses for bad behavior, and our ugliness is certainly not a surprise to God. Isaiah 64:6 says, "We are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags." John 2:24 says, that Jesus refused to entrust Himself to the crowd around him, because He knew what was in the heart of a man. They were singing His praises, yet He knew not to trust them, because He knew the heart of man is fickle and is prone to loving one minute and despising the next. If anyone could obtain perfection like God, then we would cease to be human, and He would certainly cease to be God. He knows we're incapable, and thankfully - even when we fail (especially when we fail), His grace is all-sufficient and covers our ugliness with the beauty of grace.
I don't know about you, but I'm glad that God not only gives me fish but that he teaches me to fish.
