"We don't deserve this," I said as he sat on a rock looking back at me. "Who says?" he responded. "Huh?" I asked listlessly. "Why don't we deserve this?" he persisted. "I don't know... just because we haven't done anything right." After all, Hawaii was the most perfect place I could imagine on earth, and as we sat there drying on some rocks underneath Alele Falls, a private location where we'd just swam under a waterfall without another soul in the world in miles, in an environment closer to earthly perfection than any I'd ever witnessed to that point, I felt small and totally unworthy to be there.
Later that Spring, a family member who is in the Navy approached Austin (16) about a "Tiger Cruise". This is an event wherein Navy personnel can invite family members on board a ship to see the daily operations, etc. of the ship. Essentially, all we would have to pay for him to go was air fare to Oahu. We told Austin that he'd have to pay half of the airfare, and he'd be good to go. He (being a renowned penny pincher) said he might rather just save his money and stay home. I said something to the effect of, "Are you serious? Do you know how many kids your age would die to have this kind of opportunity, and you're going to let a few hundred bucks stand in your way? You may never get there again in your lifetime!" He semi-reluctantly agreed that he'd like to go. When was he supposed to go? At the beginning of August. We made the plans, and he was to be gone 16 days. My dad accompanied him for the trip, and they took in a week of sight-seeing in Hawaii too. When Austin was gone though, I was afraid to tell anyone where he was... afraid that they might think we were bragging or that we had 'money to burn"... especially since he spent two weeks in February on a cross-country road trip from California to Illinois - bringing my sister back home from Cali for a visit. In reality, he was just afforded a unique opportunity that we would have been foolish to deny him - especially since he foresees a possible military career in his future.
My husband works in the nuclear power industry. Last winter, he was talking about signing up for yet another set of work hours that would take him to another region of the Midwest for a bit over two weeks. These 72 hour work weeks for a month or more are not uncommon in his job, and we usually see these kinds of hours 2-4 times a year. I will never complain about his job, because he has a job - and a good one, but these work hours can make for some trying times in our household. Everything just seems to run more smoothly with two parents. As he was talking about heading to another voluntary assignment that would separate us all for a few weeks, I said, "Well, I know we've said this before, but if you do sign up, I want some tickets to someplace tropical in hand before you head out." We had talked many times about trying to take some time to go somewhere for awhile - just the two of us. After all, our honeymoon a bit over 6 years ago was a nice one to the Smoky Mountains, but we were pretty new to each other at the time, and we were just trying to get through awkward - not to mention the mono I had contracted about a week before the wedding. After that, we came home to 3 children - a ready-made family loaded down with responsibilities and routine. We are a couple famous for talking about "what ifs" and "some days", but I liked the idea of more than just the promise of some future vacation if he were to sign up for more over time. He agreed and told me to start planning a vacation for a mere 3 weeks from that time. After sitting in front of the computer for 2 hours agonizing over where to go and how long to go, I determined I just couldn't put things together that quickly. He agreed, and we decided to wait until the very end of August so that we could avoid busy summer vacation season. So last January, I set to planning a vacation a whole 7 months away, which might as well have been an eternity at that point.
Later that Spring, a family member who is in the Navy approached Austin (16) about a "Tiger Cruise". This is an event wherein Navy personnel can invite family members on board a ship to see the daily operations, etc. of the ship. Essentially, all we would have to pay for him to go was air fare to Oahu. We told Austin that he'd have to pay half of the airfare, and he'd be good to go. He (being a renowned penny pincher) said he might rather just save his money and stay home. I said something to the effect of, "Are you serious? Do you know how many kids your age would die to have this kind of opportunity, and you're going to let a few hundred bucks stand in your way? You may never get there again in your lifetime!" He semi-reluctantly agreed that he'd like to go. When was he supposed to go? At the beginning of August. We made the plans, and he was to be gone 16 days. My dad accompanied him for the trip, and they took in a week of sight-seeing in Hawaii too. When Austin was gone though, I was afraid to tell anyone where he was... afraid that they might think we were bragging or that we had 'money to burn"... especially since he spent two weeks in February on a cross-country road trip from California to Illinois - bringing my sister back home from Cali for a visit. In reality, he was just afforded a unique opportunity that we would have been foolish to deny him - especially since he foresees a possible military career in his future.
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| Austin - Grand Canyon 2012 |
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| Austin - Hoover Dam 2012 |
So, he spent months teasing us that he'd be getting to see Hawaii before we did. A fact, which we didn't find nearly as annoying as he hoped we would. His upcoming trip to Hawaii didn't make me feel less guilty. I worried even more that people would see and scrutinize our trip-taking, and they did. Pointed commentary about "rich Christians" - spending money frivolously when we should be (presumably, as they are) giving it to the poor was ironically posted on the Internet/facebook by people with computers... putting them in the richest 95% of humanity because they have a computer in the first place. I guess if I were judging them, I would say they should have spent their computer money on the poor. I find it terrifically ironic that people post angry words about the "filthy rich" on the Internet with their macbook pro or hp laptop from their bed whilst watching their flat screen TV. Just about anyone in America can rack up credit card debt on "needs" like computers and TVs and Internet access and cable TV. We didn't go into debt to take a vacation. We planned it into our year... along with charitable contributions... as if it's anyone else's business.
As we sat there under that water fall, my husband reminded me that we don't spend money on the things a lot of people do. We have aged television sets and no TV service; we buy almost all of our kids' clothing second-hand; we have older cars with no payments; etc. Even more importantly, he reminded me - people who begrudge either of us a vacation do not really know, care about, or love us as a couple or family. No, they don't even like us. Why do I care what people like that think anyway? He had made an excellent point - several, in fact.
It doesn't matter how many good points are made... I still want to feel guilty about having something so great. I don't even know why. What I do know is that, had Mark not helped in relieving my guilt, I was precariously teetering on the edge of losing the blessing that the vacation was. So I began to keep a journal of our trip so that I could relive it for years to come... for those difficult seasons, which are sure to come - and always do... into every life. I have never been so close to paradise on earth, and, for me at least, it was Hawaii with the man I love. Everyone has their own version of where their paradise would be, but I think that our glimpses of those places - however many and to whatever extent we're permitted those glimpses in our lifetimes - are meant to give us a tiny taste of what God has within His creative capacities.
I intend to document our trip in another blog - mostly to have a photo/written remembrance of the trip, and also - for those of you who have asked for advice and are considering a trip to the same area - some must-dos and must sees and maybe one or two must NOT dos.
For now, I'm going to take this in a different direction. SINCE, I've started this blog about half a dozen times and rerouted and never finished it, and I have a contract to blog at least once/month, this is it, folks:
The ups and downs of our late summer/early fall - and by "fall", I'm not referring to "autumn", I really mean FALL:
It started off pretty well - kind of like this:
And then there was this:
And ended, or so I thought, with this last picture... still a mom, still a wife... still a LOT of work to do that I'm not supposed to do, which lead to:
When all of the above started less than 6 weeks before our anticipated trip, I thought we'd never go. I thought we would never make it to Hawaii and that my fears of getting what I deserved - were coming true... a bad back and a missed opportunity. Enter our church family and family family who brought meals, cleaned, took care of kids, and helped with just about everything conceivable... not to mention the star of the show, my husband - who ran his life, my life, and our family life without a single complaint and with compassion and humor that are so essential to our lives as a couple and family. What would I do without him? This is one of the AH... parts.
Then came the time to take the trip...
And I saw that it was VERY good... There was enough AHHHHH... in those 10 days to last me a lifetime.
As we sat there under that water fall, my husband reminded me that we don't spend money on the things a lot of people do. We have aged television sets and no TV service; we buy almost all of our kids' clothing second-hand; we have older cars with no payments; etc. Even more importantly, he reminded me - people who begrudge either of us a vacation do not really know, care about, or love us as a couple or family. No, they don't even like us. Why do I care what people like that think anyway? He had made an excellent point - several, in fact.
It doesn't matter how many good points are made... I still want to feel guilty about having something so great. I don't even know why. What I do know is that, had Mark not helped in relieving my guilt, I was precariously teetering on the edge of losing the blessing that the vacation was. So I began to keep a journal of our trip so that I could relive it for years to come... for those difficult seasons, which are sure to come - and always do... into every life. I have never been so close to paradise on earth, and, for me at least, it was Hawaii with the man I love. Everyone has their own version of where their paradise would be, but I think that our glimpses of those places - however many and to whatever extent we're permitted those glimpses in our lifetimes - are meant to give us a tiny taste of what God has within His creative capacities.
I intend to document our trip in another blog - mostly to have a photo/written remembrance of the trip, and also - for those of you who have asked for advice and are considering a trip to the same area - some must-dos and must sees and maybe one or two must NOT dos.
For now, I'm going to take this in a different direction. SINCE, I've started this blog about half a dozen times and rerouted and never finished it, and I have a contract to blog at least once/month, this is it, folks:
The ups and downs of our late summer/early fall - and by "fall", I'm not referring to "autumn", I really mean FALL:
It started off pretty well - kind of like this:
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| A friend of ours asked our family if he could take our photos in the wheat field behind our house... gave us 2 days to plan and be there, and voila... an awesome deal on family photos that we were very happy to have. |
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I did something like this - OW...
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| Which ended up in something like this... (MRI of herniated disc) - OW... |
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| That lead to something like this... AH... (Yes, there were much better massage photos on line, but I thought this one was funny.) |
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| And then something like this... OW... |
And ended, or so I thought, with this last picture... still a mom, still a wife... still a LOT of work to do that I'm not supposed to do, which lead to:
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| forced child labor :( |
When all of the above started less than 6 weeks before our anticipated trip, I thought we'd never go. I thought we would never make it to Hawaii and that my fears of getting what I deserved - were coming true... a bad back and a missed opportunity. Enter our church family and family family who brought meals, cleaned, took care of kids, and helped with just about everything conceivable... not to mention the star of the show, my husband - who ran his life, my life, and our family life without a single complaint and with compassion and humor that are so essential to our lives as a couple and family. What would I do without him? This is one of the AH... parts.
Then came the time to take the trip...
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| northeast coast of Maui |
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| northeast Maui coastline |
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| Maui - mountainous/rainforest |
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| southeastern coast of Maui |
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| private garden at condo off Hana beach |
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| One of my favorite moments of my love trying to extricate himself from sharp waterfall rocks without falling while I was holding the camera |
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| outdoor shower/tub at the Kipahulu condo |
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| falls on Road to Hana |
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| Little Me... Giant Tree - on our hike up to Waimoku Falls |
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| more of our hike up to Waimoku Falls |
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| swimming in Alele Falls |
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| my love on our first night in Oahu - near Waikiki beach |
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| our toes in the first water we saw in Hawaii |
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| Last night on Maui - Sunset extraordinairre |
And then we came home to an ordinary life - full of routine, continued physical therapy, bills, schooling the kids, etc. After about a week of this - Mark and I meeting one another coming and going after having been spoiled with days of intimacy, he asked me to come sit in the garage in a lawn chair he had set up for me after a long week for us both. He held my hand, and said, "I know it sounds terrible, but I want to go back..." I looked at him, and smiled, and I said, "Me too... this is the first time all week I've even talked to you." We sat and basked in the quiet beauty of rural Illinois from our garage lawn chairs, the kids squealing and riding bikes in circles around us. Precious moments aren't about the places we're at but about the people who are with us.
And after all that AH... there had to be another OW, which looked exactly like this:
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| the unveiling of my hideous leg |
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| incision #1 (inside of right leg) |
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| and, my personal favorite, incision #2 (outside of right leg) |
Now, those I know and love know exactly how this happened, but suffice it to say that it involved an ankle broken in two places, a bone chip in my ankle, and a severely broken fibula - all of which resulted in my physical therapist who was completely mystified by my behavior. Fix a person, and then what do they do? Break themselves again. When I tried to lift my leg after the accident, it flopped over to the right side, and I knew something was terribly wrong. From there, let's just say that the ambulance crew knows me by name - they recognize me, not just in SPITE of the grimmacing, wailing, mascara-running, ugly-crying face that only they get to see, but BECAUSE of that face. "I know you," said the ambulance driver with a little less finesse than was required at the moment. I covered my face, and I said between gasps, "I know, and I'm SO sorry." "Why in the world are you sorry?" he asked. I couldn't respond - mostly, because I was sorry for everything I could think of... my husband, my kids, the abulance personnel who are supposed to be rescussitating drowning victims and little old people who are having heart attacks. "How old are you?" someone from the accident scene shouted. "Eighty-four," I wailed back. "Um, my sister replied, 34." "I feel like I'm eighty-four," I sobbed. Then I lost consciousness. (AH...). Then I regained it again. (OW...) Replay the last two sentences about a dozen times between the accident scene and my first hour in the ER, and you'd have those 2, terrible hours in a nutshell.
5 days in the hospital; 2 roommates (one with Alzheimer's-induced screaming fits, the other with an abusive son who liked to stay in the room screaming at her off and on for hours just for fun); 5 IV attempts; one IV leak; 2 successful IVs; 2 pain pumps; 2 hours of surgery; untold mls of morphine, demerol, and dilauded; one metal plate and several metal screws; about 40 staples; and one wheelchair later, they finally released me from the hospital. OW...
I could write for another 3 hours about the hospital stay, the first couple of weeks of recovery, learning to use a wheelchair and/or crutches, teaching myself to do everything in new ways, feeling very sorry for myself, and a lot of other whining, but I'd rather talk about something else.
Well, I will talk about my Alzheimer's roommate for a second, because - and maybe this is just the pain pump talking - she.was.hilarious. My first impression of her was when she would wake up shouting all night long the first night I was in the hospital. My second impression was when they were trying to catheterize her at about 5:00 AM. She kept fighting them and shouting, "Help! They're trying to kill me!" and "Stop, that doesn't belong there!" I felt sorry for her, but I admired her mettle. I continued to witness her turn down any food they offered her, as I remained on a strictly no-food-or-water diet for 24 hours as they were trying to schedule my surgery. I listened annoyedly as she turned down shakes, roast beef, yogurt, and chocolate cake. Then came the shouts for "Help!" I couldn't rest for two minutes without her calling for a nurse. They knew she wasn't in need of one for the most part; so this could go on for 20-30 minutes before I would just call a nurse for her with the call button. They would talk to her and calm her down a bit, and she would beg for them to stay in there with her, because she didn't like to be left alone. Finally, she decided that she wanted her food tray (mostly, I suspect, because she wanted to keep the nurse in there to feed her). She said, "I need my food tray." "Really?" the two, young nurses at her bedside asked, "because you have turned down all food all day." "Really! and I want someone to feed it to me too!" she shouted back at them. They left the room and told her that one of them would be right back with her tray. As the door closed behind them, she muttered, "I don't want it anyway." Ah, I imagine myself being just like that someday.
What I really want to talk about are the things I'm finally learning not to take for granted. Three days after I came home, my husband found me crying in my chair in the corner of our bedroom. He asked why I was crying, of course. I said that I hated being stuck in the chair. It was only my 3rd day home of several weeks upcoming, and I felt trapped. He brushed my hair back from my face, and he said, "You have a nice home to stay in. You have kids who are old enough to help you and who love to help you. You have church family who are bringing us meals every day. You have a temporary condition. You have a son who can drive you anywhere you need to go when I can't. You have friends and family who are calling you and lining up to help you in any way they can. You have a husband who is crazy about you and a God Who's watching over you. What's wrong again?" You know when you're in the mood to just feel sorry for yourself, and you don't want to hear someone tell you nice, happy things? Well, I was in that mood - for days. And then, one-by-one, stories kept coming to my mind or attention. People would come by to drop off meals and tell of a friend or relative who was in dire straits. People who had lost limbs... People who were battling cancer or who had children battling it... A woman whose husband divorced her and moved out of state while leaving her to cope with a young daughter who is dying of brain cancer and a son with serious behavioral disorders... (I just noiced those last three sentences sounded like just one of the people that either of the presidential candidates might claim to have promised a better future to on their various tours of these miserable United States.) What right have I to feel sorry for myself? All I had been able to think of was how I was just finishing up physical therapy for my last injury; how I would have to rely on other people again; how much I would miss out on in these upcoming holiday months; how I was just starting to get back to regular workouts; how I hate sitting still; how I, I, I, me, me, me.
As I sat at the dining table one of those first nights home, Mark gave thanks for the food and for having me home from the hospital. In a half-joking way, I made the statement that I wished the hospital had been able to put me under sedation for the few months till I'll be allowed to use my leg again. Austin (16) frowned at me, and said, "Why?" I said, "Well, you know - so you guys don't have to wait on me all the time." He said, "You know, mom... we like having you around. Do you know what it was like around here with you gone for 5 days?" It cut me to the core - how selfish I was being. I needed an attitude adjustment - seriously.
Well, God's taking care of that. I don't know what I need to learn in this, but I know there's a lot. Some of it is that we all have our "OWs" and "AHs". One moment we can be basking in an "AH..." only to be struck down by an "OW..." minutes later. That is life. Regardless of what it throws at me, I am the same person. I can't choose my circumstances, but I can choose my responses. I can choose to be beautiful inside when I'm scarred outside. I can choose to contribute whole-heartedly to the happiness of those around me when I'm not ideally happy myself. Would I like things to be different? Yes. Can I think of a single, legitimate reason to complain at this moment? I'm happy to finally answer, "No."
What are you struggling with this week? Why are you unhappy? What's making you discontented? There are better times ahead! AND... there are worse times ahead, most likely. I don't say that second part to depress you but to encourage you to enjoy the situation you're in, not only because there are way better things ahead, but because there are also worse things ahead, and you don't want to waste the relatively good moments that are in your lap today. I can't remember when I've had as much time to sit down and rest, sleep in, snuggle kids in my lap, have long conversations with my older children about nothing and everything, and just enjoy my family with no agenda in particular. Someday, the kids will be gone. Someday, loved ones will die. Someday, health will fail catastrophically. For now, I just have a broken leg, and I'm so thankful that God is turning my OW into an AH... right in front of my face, and even more that He's finally giving me the grace to recognize it.
