Prima was a ballerina, and she had to be the best. Her name, after all, was her identity. She couldn't bear the thought of another dancer taking her place. This was the premise of our story today in the third book of Kingdom Tales by David and Karen Mains. Prima could pick out a flaw in another dancer a mile away... the "toos" (too short, too fat, too clumsy...) and the "not enoughs" (not practiced enough, not lithe enough, not coordinated enough...). She looked at herself in the mirror constantly and saw her beauty and her superior form staring back at her, and she was proud of it. Her identity was set. She knew who she was and what her purpose in life was - to simply be the best. The caveat of the game her mind was playing was that her reflection ended up being the "initiator" in her life. As a result, she found herself mimicking the movements of her own reflection. It seemed as though how she saw herself became her identity instead of the other way around. The way I understood the story, it was almost as though she had looked in the mirror so often to see who she was that her reflection took on a life of its own, and she became a slave to looking at it - to the point that she couldn't make her next move without looking in the mirror to see if it's what "Prima" would do.
As you may notice, the story of Prima struck a chord with me. Perhaps it is because my identity has long been, in many ways, a source of confusion and frustration. I know the truth is that my identity is in Christ, and in Christ I am redeemed, holy, forgiven, justified, righteous, and many more wonderful things of which I could tell you and give you the Scriptural proofs. How often the presence of my negative feelings and the truth of Scripture have lined up in this area, however, is shamefully less often than it should and amounts to much less than victorious Christian living. I have lived my life, for the most part, up to this point at least, as a chronic people-pleaser. If I think I can make someone happy, I try my best to do it, regardless of personal cost. If I meet with personal criticism, I internalize it to the point of trying to change something that may be completely acceptable to 99% of the people I know and love. The feeling that I should change certain things about myself, coupled with the inevitable inability to do so makes me feel helpless which makes me feel angry and/or rebellious, and it all backfires... sometimes in self loathing... sometimes in angry words... sometimes in failed relationships. I can't tell you the level at which I have agonized over the need and intense desire to change this behavior. Even writing about it makes me feel freakish in some way - that I may be the only soul who feels these things.
Tonight, my 14 year old son said something profound, and I'm not sure what prompted his words or what his intent was, but this is what (in effect) he said: "If God gives a person a gift, He wants to use it. He wants to refine it in him/her. He wants to tweak it to His specifications, but what He doesn't want is for that person to deny it, hide it, or try to destroy it, which would be hurtful and offensive to the Giver of the gift." This reminded me of the fact that trying to change an inborn quality/personality trait (in stark contrast to trying to change a habit or sin/flesh pattern) is not only pointless and destructive, it denies the Gift Giver.
Lately, my nearly 4 year old son has been saying, every time I put a meal on the table, that he doesn't want the food. He "doesn't like" the food. He thinks it's "yucky". He whines at the very same meals of which he ate seconds and thirds just a week or two previously. Last week, my husband was home sick with a dreaded stomach virus. We sat at the supper table without daddy that night eating, much to my little boy's dismay, chicken and vegetable lasagna. After saying several times, "I don't like this," he said, "Why isn't daddy eating with us?" I replied, "Because daddy's sick." Levi responded, "Because he doesn't want to eat this?" I said, "No. Daddy's throwing up." Levi questioned in an angelic tone, "Because he ate this?" I'm happy to report that, less than 5 minutes later, Levi was finishing his last few bites of lasagna and saying, "Say... I would eat this in a box, and I would eat this with a fox. I would eat this in a house, and I would eat this with a mouse. That's what Doctor Seuss says, ha, ha, ha..." The point? I know I'm a good cook. Aside from a misguided attempt at spinach squares a few years back, I don't ever recall making something that tasted less than delicious. I am confident that I cook and bake well. So if my son's dislike for the meals I make caused me to quit cooking, because I was demoralized or disgusted or even just tired of the criticism, what would that accomplish? Should I try new recipes? Should I spice up some old recipes? Should I try to learn some new skills and some healthier habits? Absolutely, but to quit cooking would be ridiculous.
I found myself wondering in all of this, if Jesus experienced everything humans experience, did he experience identity crisis? I mean, He always knew He was God, right? He didn't go through teenaged rebellion or a tattoos and heavy metal phase. He didn't have to "find Himself", because He was never lost. However, WE all, like sheep, have gone astray. Oh, it's not like Satan didn't try to make Jesus question who He was. Satan, of course, knew who Jesus was. He had tried to thwart Jesus' existence from the moment He was conceived by God in a virgin named Mary. However, it always interests me that two of the three temptations that Satan used against Jesus in the wilderness began with "If you are the Son of God..." (Matthew 4:3, 6) Could Satan have actually believed he could get Jesus to doubt He was even God's Son? In the garden of Eden, Satan tempted Eve by causing her to question who God was, "Did God really say..." and what God's motives were, implying that God only told them not to eat from the tree, because God didn't want them to become like Himself. He caused her to doubt God's identity. Under the new covenant, we who were given the identity of Jesus Christ find this same identity the object of similar and intense attack.
The truth is that my identity was determined before I took a breath. I was determined fully acceptable by my Maker. I enjoy drawing and creating. If I sit down to draw something, I can see what I want it to look like in my mind way before its reality takes shape on my paper. I have conceived of it completely in my mind before I bring it to be.
In this way, drawing is entirely unlike parenting. When it comes to parenting, you receive a child you had relatively little control over (as far as arrival date, physical appearance, and emotional temperament) up to that point. You give that child a name of your own choosing, and you start to try to shape that child - habits, behaviors, etc. You do your best to love that child and make him/her comfortable. You take things as they come along, and you spend much of your time either trying to guide and direct or trying to do damage control when your guidance is not heeded. You try to maintain some level of control over that individual until they are mature enough to gain percentages of that control from you... which they start to do at a relatively young age (eating with a spoon, drinking from a cup, walking, talking, etc.) until they come to an age at which you give over 100% of the control to that child. I was created with an identity already established... like a drawing - I was conceived of completely before I was given breath. So the only One who knows who I really am - the full picture - is the One who conceived of me. I was never a surprise and am never a surprise to Him.
II Corinthians 3:5 "5Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God."
As you may notice, the story of Prima struck a chord with me. Perhaps it is because my identity has long been, in many ways, a source of confusion and frustration. I know the truth is that my identity is in Christ, and in Christ I am redeemed, holy, forgiven, justified, righteous, and many more wonderful things of which I could tell you and give you the Scriptural proofs. How often the presence of my negative feelings and the truth of Scripture have lined up in this area, however, is shamefully less often than it should and amounts to much less than victorious Christian living. I have lived my life, for the most part, up to this point at least, as a chronic people-pleaser. If I think I can make someone happy, I try my best to do it, regardless of personal cost. If I meet with personal criticism, I internalize it to the point of trying to change something that may be completely acceptable to 99% of the people I know and love. The feeling that I should change certain things about myself, coupled with the inevitable inability to do so makes me feel helpless which makes me feel angry and/or rebellious, and it all backfires... sometimes in self loathing... sometimes in angry words... sometimes in failed relationships. I can't tell you the level at which I have agonized over the need and intense desire to change this behavior. Even writing about it makes me feel freakish in some way - that I may be the only soul who feels these things.
Tonight, my 14 year old son said something profound, and I'm not sure what prompted his words or what his intent was, but this is what (in effect) he said: "If God gives a person a gift, He wants to use it. He wants to refine it in him/her. He wants to tweak it to His specifications, but what He doesn't want is for that person to deny it, hide it, or try to destroy it, which would be hurtful and offensive to the Giver of the gift." This reminded me of the fact that trying to change an inborn quality/personality trait (in stark contrast to trying to change a habit or sin/flesh pattern) is not only pointless and destructive, it denies the Gift Giver.
Lately, my nearly 4 year old son has been saying, every time I put a meal on the table, that he doesn't want the food. He "doesn't like" the food. He thinks it's "yucky". He whines at the very same meals of which he ate seconds and thirds just a week or two previously. Last week, my husband was home sick with a dreaded stomach virus. We sat at the supper table without daddy that night eating, much to my little boy's dismay, chicken and vegetable lasagna. After saying several times, "I don't like this," he said, "Why isn't daddy eating with us?" I replied, "Because daddy's sick." Levi responded, "Because he doesn't want to eat this?" I said, "No. Daddy's throwing up." Levi questioned in an angelic tone, "Because he ate this?" I'm happy to report that, less than 5 minutes later, Levi was finishing his last few bites of lasagna and saying, "Say... I would eat this in a box, and I would eat this with a fox. I would eat this in a house, and I would eat this with a mouse. That's what Doctor Seuss says, ha, ha, ha..." The point? I know I'm a good cook. Aside from a misguided attempt at spinach squares a few years back, I don't ever recall making something that tasted less than delicious. I am confident that I cook and bake well. So if my son's dislike for the meals I make caused me to quit cooking, because I was demoralized or disgusted or even just tired of the criticism, what would that accomplish? Should I try new recipes? Should I spice up some old recipes? Should I try to learn some new skills and some healthier habits? Absolutely, but to quit cooking would be ridiculous.
I found myself wondering in all of this, if Jesus experienced everything humans experience, did he experience identity crisis? I mean, He always knew He was God, right? He didn't go through teenaged rebellion or a tattoos and heavy metal phase. He didn't have to "find Himself", because He was never lost. However, WE all, like sheep, have gone astray. Oh, it's not like Satan didn't try to make Jesus question who He was. Satan, of course, knew who Jesus was. He had tried to thwart Jesus' existence from the moment He was conceived by God in a virgin named Mary. However, it always interests me that two of the three temptations that Satan used against Jesus in the wilderness began with "If you are the Son of God..." (Matthew 4:3, 6) Could Satan have actually believed he could get Jesus to doubt He was even God's Son? In the garden of Eden, Satan tempted Eve by causing her to question who God was, "Did God really say..." and what God's motives were, implying that God only told them not to eat from the tree, because God didn't want them to become like Himself. He caused her to doubt God's identity. Under the new covenant, we who were given the identity of Jesus Christ find this same identity the object of similar and intense attack.
The truth is that my identity was determined before I took a breath. I was determined fully acceptable by my Maker. I enjoy drawing and creating. If I sit down to draw something, I can see what I want it to look like in my mind way before its reality takes shape on my paper. I have conceived of it completely in my mind before I bring it to be.
In this way, drawing is entirely unlike parenting. When it comes to parenting, you receive a child you had relatively little control over (as far as arrival date, physical appearance, and emotional temperament) up to that point. You give that child a name of your own choosing, and you start to try to shape that child - habits, behaviors, etc. You do your best to love that child and make him/her comfortable. You take things as they come along, and you spend much of your time either trying to guide and direct or trying to do damage control when your guidance is not heeded. You try to maintain some level of control over that individual until they are mature enough to gain percentages of that control from you... which they start to do at a relatively young age (eating with a spoon, drinking from a cup, walking, talking, etc.) until they come to an age at which you give over 100% of the control to that child. I was created with an identity already established... like a drawing - I was conceived of completely before I was given breath. So the only One who knows who I really am - the full picture - is the One who conceived of me. I was never a surprise and am never a surprise to Him.
II Corinthians 3:5 "5Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God."
