10 Commandments for Co-Parenters

“Where are you REALLY?!” I half screamed, sobbing into the phone.  I was in the closet - losing my sanity... my control... and every ounce of composure I had ever had.  He was “working late” again, and maybe he really was, but how was I to know?  I was so desperate to be able to trust the man I had called my husband for nearly 7 years, but I just couldn’t.  We had both done plenty of things to regret in our marriage, and there was zero trust between us, and I can remember not only not feeling love for him.  I began to hate him... and it wasn’t because he was a wretch - it was because I was.  I remember not wanting to feel stupid.  That was the biggest reason I hated when he lied or when he cheated... I didn’t want to look foolish.  I didn’t want to be foolish.  It didn’t matter how many times people said, “Well, if he cheats or lies it’s on him - not on you.”  Lip service... triteness... these were not what I wanted to hear right then.  I needed one thing that I could not have:  CONTROL

A few months later, when Brett left me and our daughters (aged 3 and 9 months), he changed his telephone number and left no forwarding address... both of which I had begged him not to do.  I knew where he worked, and that was all I knew.  I didn’t know if he’d keep putting his paycheck in our bank account.  I didn’t know if he was seeing someone else.  I didn’t know if he planned to file for divorce.  It was my right to know where he was!  Wasn’t it?  I needed one thing I could not have:  CONTROL

I had no choice but to do one thing I had mostly avoided doing - pray.  I had prayed very little for awhile now, aside from some desperate pleas with God to give me my favorites back:  my husband, my marriage, my family unit. They were mine, and I was demanding them back, and I was “walking in faith” that God would restore them to me.  After all, naive Christians like to tell other Christians, “If you have enough faith, God will fix this.”  As far as God went, I went from demanding, to begging, to crying, to whining, to pleading, and back again.  In fact, as far as Brett went I did the same things.  IF ever he contacted me (which was rare), I begged, whined, played the “God put us together” card, and then started over... and he called less and less.  I talked to my friends.  I shared my woes.  I whined and complained.  I talked and I talked... until finally I was talking to my friend about Brett and something funny happened.  Instead of saying, “Brett is just destroying me,” I replaced his name with “God...” completely by accident, and with that error God showed me that I had for years put my husband in God’s place.  I had expected him to make my happiness complete.  I had expected him to love me unfailingly.  I had expected him to anticipate and meet my needs.  I had expected him not to fail me.   

With that simple verbal error, my lack of control over my situation finally swept me under:  I wept, and I broke.  I finally broke.   After a few months of not knowing where my husband was, I began to sincerely seek to love him instead of loving myself and trying to force him to love me too.  I genuinely prayed for him... for my daughters... for God to do His will in our lives for His glory - no matter how that looked for my personal happiness.    My sister and her husband (who is also Brett’s brother) offered to find out where Brett lived, if he had a mistress, etc. - a chance I would have jumped at just a few months before that moment.  I asked them not to do that, and my sister snapped, “Why not?!  You’re just burying your head in the sand and not dealing with the reality that this is really happening to you.”  The fact was that I was finally starting to learn what I had needed to learn for 7+ years of our marriage... to stop trying to control my marriage.  God had allowed my husband to cut off contact with me in order to teach me that I didn’t really have or need control over my life... that I could trust that the One in control was worthy of my faith in Him.  He taught me to trust Him in a way I would not ever have been capable of doing otherwise.

The result of that trust was that I learned Who God was... I asked that He provide for me and my girls in Brett’s absence... because He was the only “husband” I had anymore.  What followed were sheer miracles of provision - from Brett continuing to put his paychecks in our joint account up until our divorce... to his having it written into the decree that he would pay me maintenance in addition to child support - together amounting to $2,000+ per month... to cash and food donations from people in our church... to a man from church coming to mow our lawn for free each week... to another man from church providing free oil changes while my daughters and I visited with his wife and children in their home.  The list could finish go on for a good many pages.  The fact of the matter was that I never had been in control of my life.  I just hadn’t acknowledged that God was good and was in control.  In fact, His was presence was more felt and His goodness more palpable in Brett’s absence than it ever had been in his presence, and I was happy.  I sometimes cried myself to sleep at night in the arms of Jesus, but I was never more complete or fulfilled or truly peaceful and joyful than in those moments - from that day to this.  I thank God for taking away Brett... not because he wasn’t a good husband or because our marriage was not meeting my needs... but because in those moments of sheer desperation and terror I got to know God in His utter adequacy for the meeting of every need.

This past Sunday morning, my husband Mark said, “When is Brett bringing the girls home?”  I said, “I don’t know... sometime in the afternoon he said.”  “What’s he doing with them that he’s bringing them home so late?”  “I don’t know,” I said, “I didn’t ask.”  I never ask, truth be told.  Back when Brett changed his number and left us wondering what came next he had refused to tell me a single thing about his personal life and choices.  I never found out what he was up to, and it wasn’t for lack of trying.  I wanted to know the details... even if they were hurtful to me.  However, he never told me a thing.  One day... one wonderful day, I stopped asking.  I never ask him what he’s doing with our girls.  I never ask him where they’ll be.  I only ask when they’ll return if it has to do with drop-off or pick-up locations.  It’s not because I don’t care.  It’s because I am not worried.  I know God is good, and that He is fulfilling his purpose in and for my daughters, and I am certain that their dad is a part of that purpose and process.  He has been since the moment of their conception - in fact, from the moment time began.  His ability to own his relationship with his daughters is God’s gift to him, and I have no business usurping that.  I cannot fully express to you the extent of how that blesses him and, in turn, blesses the girls.  They are free to tell me about their time with their dad and step-mom, but they are not compelled.  Forgiveness has been a huge part of the process of me letting that all go, and if you don’t know how to get there from where you are, here’s a link:  Forgiveness: A Step-by-Step Guide


Brett and I recently had the following text conversation when I was leaving our daughters (ages 12 and 10) off with him at a local restaurant before they went to Florida for a vacation:

This is typical of our relationship, and it’s weird to say that we often say things to one another like, “I’m so thankful for you and for how you parent our girls.”  We are able to - in completely appropriate ways - bless one another for the sake of our girls.  Mark and I minister to single parents and divorced people, and we often see people who are in the throes of custody battles.  There are precious few incidences where true abuse is taking place on the part of either parent, but good parents can often get into battles over the children in order to hurt one another.  One of the biggest culprits is TMI.  For those of us who are not “cool” enough to know what TMI is... (yes, there’s the fact that I’m using the word “cool” instead of “sick” or “epic” which means that I’m officially not sick nor am I epic) TMI= too much information.  If you know where your former spouse is, what that person is doing, who he or she spends time with, who he or she vacations with, where that person spends his or her free time, what’s in his or her bank account, or what he or she posted on facebook ten minutes ago, etc. you know too much.  That knowledge - every blessed piece of it - corrupts your feelings.  It tears you up.  It gives you evidence to use against the other person - but moreso it gives you the motivation to use it.  It makes you look ugly, and it makes you and feel ugly.

If you want to increase your own happiness and that of your children in your joint parenting lifestyle, here are 10 commandments for co-parents who are no longer in a relationship with one another:

1. Thou shalt respect thine ex’s time with his or her children and not interrupt it for any reason aside from thine own demise (in which case someone else shall do it for you).
2. Thou shalt not be friends with thine ex on facebook neither on other social media outlets.
3. Thou shalt not follow thine ex’s blog nor his or her twitter account.
4. Thou shalt not google thine ex’s name.
5. Thou shalt not text or call thine ex unless it has to do with pick up or drop off times or medical emergencies.  (Letters or e-mails would better handle “housekeeping items” like medical bills and child support payments.)
6. Thou shalt not ask thy children about their visits with their other parent nor shalt thou ask thine ex.
7. Thou shalt not ask thy children about their other parent’s friends or romantic interests.
8. Thou shalt not send photos of thy vacation or other social exploits to thine ex.
9. Thou shalt not create drama around drop-offs and pick-ups of thy shared children.
10. Thou shalt not discuss child support issues in front of thy children ever - for any reason. period.

I need to clarify three things: 

1. I don’t like to use the word “ex”, but it just fits better than “former spouse” in a list.  
2. This list does not apply in cases of true abuse or neglect - in which case DCFS or a like department should be able to determine if that is the case.  If the court or DCFS do not make a determination of abuse, give your former spouse the benefit of the doubt... believing that they love their children like you do - until and unless there is concrete evidence to the contrary.
3. I understand their are nuances in each situation, but I guarantee that if you make the first move to start respecting your children’s other parent, that respect will be reciprocated in time.  You may find that, given some time, you will have become very content to trust that your children are happy and basically well-cared-for when they are with their other parent.

Trust God that He has all of your children’s activities, feelings, and future in His good plan, and that He cares much more for them than you do.  He gave them you as a parent.  You love them madly.  He also gave them another parent who, despite manifold imperfections (much like yourself), loves your children and makes up 50% of his or her gene pool.  That 50% belongs to a person you once loved - for their laugh, their smile, their sense of humor, their eyes, their encouraging spirit, their gentle ways, their gregarious disposition... those same sweet things you might just see in that child from time-to-time.  Respect their parenting - just like you want to be respected as a parent.