The Key To Happiness - Guaranteed (Part 1 of 2)

There once was a baby born into a homesteading family in a cabin in Wyoming.  He was welcomed by his mother and several siblings, but he arrived too early.  He was so tiny, I’m told, that he fit inside a shoebox.  They called the local doctor to come see him, and they were told he wouldn’t survive... that they should leave him by the fire to keep him as warm as possible and wait for him to die.  They didn’t.  

He survived his traumatic birth and early years as a preemie in a day and age when premature babies didn’t often survive.  If only his birth had been the most traumatic event he was destined to endure.  When he reached the age of 13 or so, his mother died of a heart attack, and he was left in the care of the man who had been a father to him in name only.  His father, by all accounts, was a philandering drifter who had little parental instinct, it would seem.  When it came time for his father to parent him, his father had other ideas.  He farmed the boy out to anyone who would take him, and he ended up in abusive situations more often than not.  Small in stature (likely because of being a preemie and as a result of a rough bout with polio at age 5), the boy was unable to rightly defend himself most of the time.  Despite all of these things, his will to survive was as strong as the day he was born. 

As he grew, he had various jobs - driving cattle, horse jockeying, and eventually landed a job in the Illinois prison system in Chicago.  He eloped with a sweet, young girl when he was 21 (and she 16).  When they settled into a household, she became pregnant.  She suffered many (sometimes life-threatening) miscarriages around and about when my mother and her sister were born.  

My grandpa’s dad drifted in and out (mostly out) of his adult life - only showing up when he needed something - to use his son’s good nature for his own selfish gain.  As my great-grandfather neared the end of his days, he showed up on the doorstep of this son (who had barely known him) and moved in with him and his young family.  My mother has a few fond memories of this time, but she recalls to me her most pronounced memory - that he liked to show her a wad of cash that he carried with him.  (He was known to show off money when he had it.)  Those are her few memories of (what seems to me to have been) her greedy, selfish grandfather.  

These are memories that I have gathered from conversations I’ve heard and overheard, things I’ve heard many different people say, and many of them are second, third, or fourth hand... tainted by years of bitterness, I might assume.  The details are likely subjective, and I have my own thoughts on the matters as well.  However, as my grandpa's last sibling died this week, these things have made me think about something.  

There is one social tool more valuable, more important, more underestimated, and more misunderstood than any other in humanity’s “toolbox”.  This tool will give you all the things you’ve searched for in vain:  longer life, better health, lasting relationships, lots of friends, not to mention the ever-illusive peace of mind we all search for (often in vain).  It is a tool I use often, a tool I need people to use in dealing with me, and a tool I teach my children diligently, because I know they will and do need it often.  It is FORGIVENESS, and, when properly applied, it will change your life.

There is a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to forgiveness.  Some of us think that forgiveness is when someone says, “I’m sorry,” and you say, “It’s okay,” and you both go on your way.  Others of us think that it is “forgive and forget” - a way of forgetting what a person did to you so that you can both be happy again - a kind of “sweeping under the rug” of an incident or incidences in order to gain peace, but, let’s face it, forgetting is mostly impossible aside from severe blow to the head.  I submit to you a few things for your consideration about the topic of forgiveness and, more importantly, HOW TO FULLY ACHIEVE IT.

WHY FORGIVE?

1.  Because you need forgiveness.  (Matthew 8:21-35)

Last time I checked, none of us are perfect.  Even in the Lord’s prayer (Matthew 6:12), Jesus adds, “Forgives us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”  Now Jesus, of course, had no debts - had not sinned against anyone.  His words literally mean that we are to ask God to forgive us our sins in the same way (by the same measure) that we forgive others.  If we want full forgiveness (which we need to feel absolved and guilt-free), we need to also grant full forgiveness.

2.  Because it’s good for your health

I won’t go into all of the health benefits of forgiveness, but if you Google “forgiveness and health”, you’ll come across publications by most of the great medical minds of today (Mayo Clinic, Harvard Health, Arthritis.org, etc.) all agreeing that forgiveness helps chronic illnesses from arthritis to heart problems to blood pressure problems, etc.

3. God tells us we must forgive (Col. 3:13, Luke 6:37, Matthew 6:14-16).  
He doesn’t do this to be mean or unreasonable.  He does it to do what He is in the business of doing... SAVING us.  He knows that unforgiveness is a bitter poison that we drink  hoping the other person dies.  He knows it is essential for our happiness and health that we let go of what has hurt us and let Him handle it.  If you have more than one child in your house, you have experienced children fighting.  When they come to you angry at one another and you work to reconcile their differences, you can’t sort things out between them (or deal out justice) until they stop being at each other’s throats.  God is the author of justice, and He sees and is concerned with wrongs that are done to us.  We can trust that He will handle these things with justice in His time.  What’s more, when we’ve truly forgiven, we find we no longer care if God punishes the other person, and may even move to a merciful mind ourselves.

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS:

A choice not to hold another person responsible for an actual sin done to me.

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1.  Forgiving is not EASY

When I think about what Jesus went through to achieve forgiveness for me, it would be silly for me to think that forgiving someone else should be easy.  Will I too have to die?  Yes.  To myself... my wants, my desires, and my desire to control and punish others.  Will I live?  Yes, and more abundantly than I thought possible before.  I used to think that forgiveness went something like this prayer, “Lord, help me forgive ____ for ____. Amen.”  Done and dusted.  If only it were that easy.  It is not a prayer or a hope that I can do something I clearly cannot do in human strength.  

2.  Forgiving is not FORGETTING

If something hurts, I would be ill-advised (and quite possibly stupid) to forget that it ever hurt.  What would happen to me?  I’d get hurt again - maybe even worse.  The same thing applies to emotional hurt.  When a person hurts me, it’s not safe for me to try to forget that hurt.  It is, however, healthy for me to FORGIVE that hurt... for my sake.  

3.  Forgiving is not “IT’S OKAY”

You must remember that it is not ever okay for someone to sin against you - no matter who they are or how you treated them first or how you retaliated.  Those things do have bearing on whether or not you should seek the other’s forgiveness, but they do not determine whether or not a wrong done to you was really wrong.  You must first acknowledge that, however minor, a sin done to you was wrong... whether you feel currently hurt by it or not.  

4.  Forgiving is not a ATM (Automatic Trust Mechanism)

Just because you forgive someone, does not mean you should trust that person.  Trust works like dominoes.  If you’ve ever built a train of dominoes around a room, you know that if you knock even one over (accidentally or on purpose) the whole train goes over from that point back.  If you push that domino back up into place, do the others all go back up again?  No.  Even if you’ve built trust with a person for years, if one thing happens to break that trust, it’s broken from that point back.  Rebuilding that trust takes meticulous, careful re-stacking.  It doesn’t automatically happen, even if the wrong that broke the trust was righted.

5.  Forgiving is not a vehicle for God’s vengeance to be unleashed.

When you forgive someone solely based on the hope that God will punish that person, your motive is wrong and will doubtfully be rewarded by the merciful God that forgives you each day.  Our motives for forgiving others must be based in our desire to be obedient to God and our desire to be free from the burden of bitterness.

WHAT FORGIVENESS REQUIRES:

1.  A desire to be free from anger, bitterness, or resentment

2.  A choice to give up any right you feel you have to take revenge

3.  Faith in God

WHAT FORGIVENESS DOES NOT REQUIRE:

1.  Fairy dust

2.  A magic wand

3.  A sweet disposition

4.  A loving and tender heart

5.  A weak personality

6.  Stupidity

WHAT REQUIRES FORGIVENESS?  

1.  Sin

There are many people who think that every time they get angry with someone else, they need to forgive that person.  That’s simply not true.  If that were the case, some of us would spend most of our lives working through forgiveness - while others of us may rarely think of it.  We are offended day after day, but very few of those offenses actually involved a sin against us.  What kinds of sins require our forgiveness, and what should we ask for forgiveness for?  Betrayal, lying, anger, stealing, adultery, slander/gossip, judging, hatred, and anything else listed specifically in the Bible as wrong.  Why do I use the standard of the Bible instead of the standard of my own feelings?  Because my feelings make me “god” of my life and I determine people’s “sins” based on my own sense of right and wrong (which is often more wrong than right).  The only clear standard of whether or not I’ve been wronged is the Bible.

WHAT DOES NOT REQUIRE FORGIVENESS? (Keys to happiness in #1-2)

1.  Unmet Standards

Many times I feel that someone should or should not act a certain way or do a certain thing to me or someone else.  When a person breaks my “standards” that determine what his/her behavior should be, I become angry with that person (or annoyed or frustrated).  An example of this would be:  “I feel that everyone in the group should have helped set up chairs for the meeting and stay after to help clean up, but ____ didn’t do his/her part, and that made me have to do extra work!”  Society has some unwritten rules and standards, but unless everyone agrees that they understand and will abide by those rules, they are simply standards that we would like to see followed but are not “sin” if not followed.  The phrase “supposed to” would be an indicator of whether or not I have a standard for someone else’s behavior.  When a person does not meet my standards, I do NOT need to forgive that person.  I need to drop my standard for his/her behavior and move on without a grudge.

2.  Unmet Expectations/Hopes/Desires

Similar to standards, unmet expectations are a source of major problems for many relationships.  Expectations are when we “hope” or “think” something will happen, but it doesn’t happen.  An example of an expectation would be:  “I hoped my husband would notice that the garbage needed to be taken out today, and he didn’t.  He never remembers it!  Week after week, I hope, and week after week I’m disappointed.”  Expectations are just another example of our desire to control our circumstances.  When I notice I have an expectation, I should drop it before it even takes root and becomes something on which I hang any hopes.  That way, I’m not disappointed, and I certainly don’t have anything to forgive.  On a side note, God outlined His standards/expectations for us very clearly in writing.  If we’ve not done that with those around us (and we shouldn’t, because we’re not God and have no right to control others), then we have no right to expect that those people should know, much less measure up to, our unwritten code for their behavior.  

3.  Hurt Feelings

We all know people who are tough as nails - never seem to get their feelings hurt.  We also know people who are the opposite end of the spectrum - with feelings like glass and who seem to get hurt by almost nothing at all.  This tells us one thing about feelings - they’re subjective.  By that, I mean that every person has a different measure by which their feelings get hurt.  Therefore, unless my hurt feelings are based on an actual sin that a person did to me, they need not be forgiven.  Hurt feelings are most often based in unmet standards or expectations listed above.  Example 1: “ _____ didn’t come to my bridal shower, and I thought we were good friends.  That hurts my feelings.”  (This does not need forgiveness, because it’s not a sin for someone to miss a social engagement.)  Example 2:  “_____ promised me he would pick up our son to take him to the movies, but he never showed.”  (This requires forgiveness, because of the lie involved in the person who gave her word not following through on this word.)  

WHO DO I NEED TO FORGIVE?

1.  Past, Present, Future

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time deal.  It’s an ongoing attitude.  I need to start with the past to clear out the backlog of bitterness, but I also need to forgive in the present and plan to forgive in the future.  I do not need to subject myself purposefully to persons and situations I know would hurt me, but I also need to remember that forgiveness is always a tool at my disposal if I need it.  So I shouldn’t be afraid of people or situations fearing I could be hurt, because I have a tool to help deal with that should I need it.  This can help with people who have social anxiety disorders too.

2.  Forgiveness starts at home.

Family members are the ones we spend the most time with, and are also the ones who are most likely to hurt us.  I had a difficult time realizing that I would need to forgive either of my parents for anything, because I knew they had done the best they could with us kids and that they were good parents - great parents, in fact.  However, there ended up being some things that I realized needed forgiving, and this ended up being a wonderful help for our relationships.  Children, parents, siblings, cousins, etc. - all of these people need our love and forgiveness is where love starts.  We can’t truly give people full, free love if we have denied them forgiveness by our anger or by making them out to be more perfect than they are and therefore in no need of forgiveness.

3.  Self

While self is where our self-centered society would have us start with forgiveness, I feel like it’s more where we should end.  Forgiving others is way more helpful for our long-term relationships than forgiving self.  In fact, make sure that forgiving yourself is not just making excuses for wrongs you’ve done others so that you don’t have to feel bad anymore or ask their forgiveness.  You should first seek forgiveness where you have wronged others, and only then let yourself off the hook.  For the Christian, forgiving self isn’t really forgiving self - it is acknowledging (like you do for others) that God has already forgiven you by His finished death on the cross and that you don’t have a right to hold yourself guilty for something your Heavenly Father sent His Son to die for.

Now that we've covered the basics of forgiveness, the how was the most confusing part for me.  I've already said how it is not achieved, but in my next blog, I will explain how it is achieved.  

Disclaimer:  I am not an expert on any topic under the sun, but when I put into practice what I have learned about forgiveness, I experience an utter freedom I cannot fully explain.  I want the same for my children, my posterity, and for anyone else who might want it too.  I don't always practice it perfectly, however, and when I don't I usually end up doing regrettable things from which I find it very difficult  to recover.  I do know that to achieve harmony in relationships and the happiness that brings, forgiveness is the only way to bring that about, and I'm so glad I have this tool in my toolbox.