Well, as the title of this blog says, I know I should never do blogs in two parts, because I lose my will to do the second part. Ah, well... I doubt very much that anyone was waiting with baited breath. However, this is the best part of the process. When I was going through counseling as a 20-year-old newlywed, I was brought to the conclusion that there were a lot of things in my relatively short marriage that I needed to forgive - get past - get over. I remember asking quite sincerely, "Just how do I get there from here??"
In part one of this blog, I explained (and the quite possibly overly-thorough way that I can tend to do things) what forgiveness is, when it is necessary, when it is not, and left you hanging as to how it's achieved. Hang... no longer.
You need a piece of paper and a pen(cil) and TIME. Before you sit down with your paper, you might best spend some time asking God to show you the things you need to forgive. You might be surprised at the things that come to mind - things long forgotten, things you thought were "no big deal", etc. Ask God to give you a humble heart - to see where you have been wrong as well. Most of us have quite an overwhelming backlog of unforgiveness (causing bitterness) in our lives, and it can seem overwhelming to take things on at once. The rest of us live in denial that we have anything we need to forgive, and that can take just as long for us to realize that there are things - no matter how happy we are currently, that lurk in our past - waiting to jump out when we least expect it and threaten to decimate our current happiness. Decide whether you're going to deal with one person/situation first, or if you're just going to start writing. It doesn't really matter. Divide your paper into 4 sections. Those sections should read something along the lines of: 1) OFFENSE AGAINST ME, 2) FEELINGS/EMOTIONS, 3) NEGATIVE RESULTS, 4) MY SINFUL/WRONG RESPONSES.
Under section one, list all the sins a person or persons have done against you - everything you can remember - making sure to follow the guidelines in the first blog about who/what requires your forgiveness and who/what doesn't. Write everything that comes to mind - even if you're not sure whether or not you just had a standard the other person didn't meet. Tell God. He wants to hear them all. (Phil 4:6)
Section two will consist of every feeling you had relating to the offenses listed. These things can consist of things like betrayal, anger, hurt, hate, revenge, sadness, fear, desperation, loneliness, etc. Pour out your feelings to God. You may cry, scream, or just grit your teeth through this part, but you need to admit every feeling - to "El Roi," the God who sees.
Section three is where you write down all of the bad things that happened to you as a result of the other person's sin against you. Ask yourself if the offense you wrote in section one caused any adverse effect(s) in your life or the lives of your loved ones. This section would be used for things like, "because he lied to me, I made uninformed decisions" or "because she lied about me, I faced undue ridicule," "because he/she lied about our financial situation, I was left without security and trust", etc. Tell these things to God also - as part of the offender's unintentional effects on you.
Section four is a list of your own sin in relation to the other things on the list. This might be difficult for you to pin down, but it likely would be things like taking revenge, getting angry or bitter, hating, lying to cover up your embarassment, saying hurtful things (or texting or writing hurtful things), etc. You come to section four last, because you might not be ready to go there right at first. Once you deal with sections 1-3, you'll be more ready to deal with 4. Repent of your wrongs. Seek forgiveness from those you've wronged. Move on in FREEDOM.
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU'VE REALLY FORGIVEN
This was one of my major questions for my counselor. After all, even though I was fairly sure I'd forgiven some things, those same issues would end up "rearing their ugly heads" and causing disunity in relationships. Well, she replied that unforgiveness vs. forgiveness is comparable to an open wound vs. a scar. Like something unforgiven, an open wound hurts most all the time, and if it gets touched or irritated at all, it flares up and causes even more pain. You remember every, gory detail of how the wound was inflicted upon you, and you're not about to let anyone near it. On the other hand, forgiven things are like scars. You rediscover them from time-to-time. You recall basically when and how you received those wounds, but you no longer have the pain associated with them. That is the most precious and easily-understandable explanation of the concept I've ever received.
If you know you've forgiven something and are tempted to bring that thing back up to the person you've forgiven, remind yourself that it's been forgiven, and choose to move on in the freedom that you (and your former offender) both have been given by your having broken the bonds of unforgiveness that once held you to your offender.
WHAT TO DO NOW
Tear it up. Burn it. Destroy your list. If you have a difficult time destroying your list, you have yet to forgive some of the things on it.
Move on. Thankfulness/gratitude and grace are the heart attitudes of a truly forgiving person. You recall how much grace you've been given, and you are compelled to extend the same to those around you.
Realize that forgiveness is not a one time deal. This will be a process that you will likely repeat several times over the course of weeks/months. Finally, you will have fewer and fewer things back-logged to forgive. Eventually, you will just be able to forgive the new things that come up - right when they do. My counselor said, "God is a gentleman. He brings us only what we can handle - when we can handle them." Her point was that we don't need to be afraid that if we start the process of forgiveness we'll be so completely overwhelmed with sadness and grief and bogged down in the work of it that we'll be unable to function. I usually took these things on in evenings. If I had a free evening after the girls went to bed, I sat down with my paper and pencil. The first time took the longest. The second and third went much more quickly, and that was pretty much it for me. The process worked very similarly for my husband. Some people will have more to forgive. Others will have less.
WHAT NOT TO DO NOW
Don't go around telling those you've forgiven, "Hey, you know what? I was really angry with you, but, with God's help, I've finally been able to forgive you." Many times the offender doesn't know and/or care that they offended you. This is part of what you gave up when you gave over your hurts to God. You don't need the offender to know that he or she ever hurt you. God knows, and that is enough. If you feel the need to describe your pain and/or the forgiveness you granted your offender to him/her - that's an indication that you have not forgiven at all. In addition, listing such things off to the offender is likely to end, not with your confession. Rather it will begin a process of that person telling you all the things they have against you, and a never-ending cycle of grievances will be regurgitated between you. This would defeat the purpose of forgiveness and likely generate more hurt for both parties. In gratitude for your newfound freedom, leave such confessions in the capable hands of a loving God.
Do not trust everyone (especially former offenders) fully and freely... not yet. Trust is something that needs to be rebuilt - not automatically granted. Like you did at the beginning of a new relationship, take your time learning to trust, and don't force yourself to be guilted into granting full trust too soon. A person who truly loves you will want to earn trust back - not expect that trust, as a right, should be given automatically. (These would be red flags - manipulative people to avoid trusting - when people say things like, "Well, if you really forgave me, you would trust me," or "I deserve a second chance," or "I don't live in my past and neither should you. Don't you know people can change?") Truly contrite people are willing to admit and fully accept the responsibility for wrongdoing and put in the hard work of rebuilding trust. If you have trouble setting boundaries in relationships, the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend is an excellent resource.
My hope with these two blogs is to thoroughly explain the process of getting freedom through forgiving others. I am often asked how I get along so well with my ex-husband and his wife (incidentally the woman he left our marriage for), and forgiveness is the only explanation I have. I am not a doormat. I am not a pushover. In fact, I am better able to stand my ground in a kind, caring way than I ever was before I worked through these things. Although divorce is always hard on the kids and it is not what I would have chosen for our marriage - even today, I am happy to say that our girls can freely talk about their happy times with their dad and step-mom, and I can be happy with them and for them. I don't make them feel the prickles of my pain or the grrr of my anger... because, by God's grace, I'm free. So if you can't bring yourself to work through the hard work of forgiveness for yourself - do it for those you love. They will benefit as much as you will... guaranteed.
In part one of this blog, I explained (and the quite possibly overly-thorough way that I can tend to do things) what forgiveness is, when it is necessary, when it is not, and left you hanging as to how it's achieved. Hang... no longer.
You need a piece of paper and a pen(cil) and TIME. Before you sit down with your paper, you might best spend some time asking God to show you the things you need to forgive. You might be surprised at the things that come to mind - things long forgotten, things you thought were "no big deal", etc. Ask God to give you a humble heart - to see where you have been wrong as well. Most of us have quite an overwhelming backlog of unforgiveness (causing bitterness) in our lives, and it can seem overwhelming to take things on at once. The rest of us live in denial that we have anything we need to forgive, and that can take just as long for us to realize that there are things - no matter how happy we are currently, that lurk in our past - waiting to jump out when we least expect it and threaten to decimate our current happiness. Decide whether you're going to deal with one person/situation first, or if you're just going to start writing. It doesn't really matter. Divide your paper into 4 sections. Those sections should read something along the lines of: 1) OFFENSE AGAINST ME, 2) FEELINGS/EMOTIONS, 3) NEGATIVE RESULTS, 4) MY SINFUL/WRONG RESPONSES.
Under section one, list all the sins a person or persons have done against you - everything you can remember - making sure to follow the guidelines in the first blog about who/what requires your forgiveness and who/what doesn't. Write everything that comes to mind - even if you're not sure whether or not you just had a standard the other person didn't meet. Tell God. He wants to hear them all. (Phil 4:6)
Section two will consist of every feeling you had relating to the offenses listed. These things can consist of things like betrayal, anger, hurt, hate, revenge, sadness, fear, desperation, loneliness, etc. Pour out your feelings to God. You may cry, scream, or just grit your teeth through this part, but you need to admit every feeling - to "El Roi," the God who sees.
Section three is where you write down all of the bad things that happened to you as a result of the other person's sin against you. Ask yourself if the offense you wrote in section one caused any adverse effect(s) in your life or the lives of your loved ones. This section would be used for things like, "because he lied to me, I made uninformed decisions" or "because she lied about me, I faced undue ridicule," "because he/she lied about our financial situation, I was left without security and trust", etc. Tell these things to God also - as part of the offender's unintentional effects on you.
Section four is a list of your own sin in relation to the other things on the list. This might be difficult for you to pin down, but it likely would be things like taking revenge, getting angry or bitter, hating, lying to cover up your embarassment, saying hurtful things (or texting or writing hurtful things), etc. You come to section four last, because you might not be ready to go there right at first. Once you deal with sections 1-3, you'll be more ready to deal with 4. Repent of your wrongs. Seek forgiveness from those you've wronged. Move on in FREEDOM.
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU'VE REALLY FORGIVEN
This was one of my major questions for my counselor. After all, even though I was fairly sure I'd forgiven some things, those same issues would end up "rearing their ugly heads" and causing disunity in relationships. Well, she replied that unforgiveness vs. forgiveness is comparable to an open wound vs. a scar. Like something unforgiven, an open wound hurts most all the time, and if it gets touched or irritated at all, it flares up and causes even more pain. You remember every, gory detail of how the wound was inflicted upon you, and you're not about to let anyone near it. On the other hand, forgiven things are like scars. You rediscover them from time-to-time. You recall basically when and how you received those wounds, but you no longer have the pain associated with them. That is the most precious and easily-understandable explanation of the concept I've ever received.
If you know you've forgiven something and are tempted to bring that thing back up to the person you've forgiven, remind yourself that it's been forgiven, and choose to move on in the freedom that you (and your former offender) both have been given by your having broken the bonds of unforgiveness that once held you to your offender.
WHAT TO DO NOW
Tear it up. Burn it. Destroy your list. If you have a difficult time destroying your list, you have yet to forgive some of the things on it.
Move on. Thankfulness/gratitude and grace are the heart attitudes of a truly forgiving person. You recall how much grace you've been given, and you are compelled to extend the same to those around you.
Realize that forgiveness is not a one time deal. This will be a process that you will likely repeat several times over the course of weeks/months. Finally, you will have fewer and fewer things back-logged to forgive. Eventually, you will just be able to forgive the new things that come up - right when they do. My counselor said, "God is a gentleman. He brings us only what we can handle - when we can handle them." Her point was that we don't need to be afraid that if we start the process of forgiveness we'll be so completely overwhelmed with sadness and grief and bogged down in the work of it that we'll be unable to function. I usually took these things on in evenings. If I had a free evening after the girls went to bed, I sat down with my paper and pencil. The first time took the longest. The second and third went much more quickly, and that was pretty much it for me. The process worked very similarly for my husband. Some people will have more to forgive. Others will have less.
WHAT NOT TO DO NOW
Don't go around telling those you've forgiven, "Hey, you know what? I was really angry with you, but, with God's help, I've finally been able to forgive you." Many times the offender doesn't know and/or care that they offended you. This is part of what you gave up when you gave over your hurts to God. You don't need the offender to know that he or she ever hurt you. God knows, and that is enough. If you feel the need to describe your pain and/or the forgiveness you granted your offender to him/her - that's an indication that you have not forgiven at all. In addition, listing such things off to the offender is likely to end, not with your confession. Rather it will begin a process of that person telling you all the things they have against you, and a never-ending cycle of grievances will be regurgitated between you. This would defeat the purpose of forgiveness and likely generate more hurt for both parties. In gratitude for your newfound freedom, leave such confessions in the capable hands of a loving God.
Do not trust everyone (especially former offenders) fully and freely... not yet. Trust is something that needs to be rebuilt - not automatically granted. Like you did at the beginning of a new relationship, take your time learning to trust, and don't force yourself to be guilted into granting full trust too soon. A person who truly loves you will want to earn trust back - not expect that trust, as a right, should be given automatically. (These would be red flags - manipulative people to avoid trusting - when people say things like, "Well, if you really forgave me, you would trust me," or "I deserve a second chance," or "I don't live in my past and neither should you. Don't you know people can change?") Truly contrite people are willing to admit and fully accept the responsibility for wrongdoing and put in the hard work of rebuilding trust. If you have trouble setting boundaries in relationships, the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend is an excellent resource.
My hope with these two blogs is to thoroughly explain the process of getting freedom through forgiving others. I am often asked how I get along so well with my ex-husband and his wife (incidentally the woman he left our marriage for), and forgiveness is the only explanation I have. I am not a doormat. I am not a pushover. In fact, I am better able to stand my ground in a kind, caring way than I ever was before I worked through these things. Although divorce is always hard on the kids and it is not what I would have chosen for our marriage - even today, I am happy to say that our girls can freely talk about their happy times with their dad and step-mom, and I can be happy with them and for them. I don't make them feel the prickles of my pain or the grrr of my anger... because, by God's grace, I'm free. So if you can't bring yourself to work through the hard work of forgiveness for yourself - do it for those you love. They will benefit as much as you will... guaranteed.
1 comment:
What a blessing I have a friend who is struggling with it right now I will definitely pass along your blog to her. you are wise far beyond your years
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