This guy turned 16 today. It doesn't seem possible. When I met him for the first time about 6 1/2 years ago now, he was a pudgy little cutie on my front doorstep. Mark and I had decided that our second official "date" should be the kids meeting. After all, if they didn't get along with each other and with each of us then we'd take that as a red light for our future. As it so happened, Austin and I played several games of Battle Ships (both of us talking nonstop), and the girls showed Mark about every outfit in their box of dress up clothes. I remember my girls saying that, although they loved their dad, they wanted to have a "house dad" - a guy that lived with us, protected us, and wanted to be with us every day. Austin always said the same thing to Mark and Mark's mom - being with grandma every day was
great - lots of ice cream and oatmeal cream pies - but he just wanted a "house mom". It's funny the way kids can articulate a complex emotional concept with so few words.
Well, I think we met one another's kids in January of 2006. We got married in April of 2006. All of these photos were taken that sweet Spring of 2006 on the farm in Iowa before our lives took on even more changes. There were so many changes in all of our lives that year - new homes, new schools, new family members, new friends, new jobs, new lives. I remember feeling like God gave us that Spring in Iowa to cement our lives as family. My girls and I relished being on the farm. They loved the animals.
I liked the animals too, but we had some interesting conversations those months. For instance, Mark had given me a life on the farm garbage tutorial. In short: food scraps go to the hogs, paper products get burned, and everything else goes in the wagon to take to the dump. Well, after the first week, he started to notice that I was putting scraps of bacon, ham, etc. in a separate pile. He asked what I was planning to with it all. I replied, "Well, you can't feed
that to the hogs. That would be... wrong?" He smiled broadly at my naivete and said, "Um, yeah you can. If one of them drops dead in the lot, the rest of 'em go over and eat it. So I don't think they'll mind a little bacon." Mildly disgusted, I took mental note. Porcine cannibals. I still remember the day a big semi came and the fat ones got big numbers spray-painted on their backs and loaded into the trailer. When Mark came home, I said, "Does that mean they're not coming back home?" Ah... well, it was an education. By the way, if you take out food scraps to the hogs after Sunday dinner, make sure you're upwind, because if not - even if you stand 30 feet back and just chuck the food in their general direction - you'll need a shower.
These are some of my favorite photos of the kids as they got used to our new lives.
And there have been a LOT of changes for us all - especially Austin - aside from the marriage and two new sisters:
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| Austin's last birthday at the farm (10 years old) |
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| saying goodbye to friends before we moved |
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| first trip to Chicago |
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| first ride on the subway |
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| moving day - combining households |
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| New little brother |
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| First trip to Florida |
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| First Parasail |
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| First trip to D.C. |
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| new baby sister |
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| new dog... another move |
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| BRACES! |
Fast forward through basketball, soccer games, field trips, etc.
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| first trip to Cali! |
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| 8th grade graduation |
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| first snuggie! :) |
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| second tip to Cali - segways! |
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| Grand Canyon - cross country road trip |
Yesterday he got the opportunity to be part of a disaster drill near our hometown and got to get "lost" and found by a pair of search and rescue dogs who found him based only on his scent, and he'll finish off this year with a trip to Hawaii and a 9-day cruise. Mark feigns jealousy that Austin has seen more of the world in a few years than he has ever seen himself, but I know he's so happy for the opportunities that just seem to fall into his lap (partly due to an aunt and uncle who like traveling) because of his sweetness and strength - he's a great guy to have around any time.
All these changes... all the adventures - Austin has taken every one of them in stride. His happy-go-lucky attitude makes it all possible. He doesn't get too far up, and he doesn't get too far down. He is a forever optimist and knows no strangers. He knows two kinds of people: friends and pre-friends. He has a gregarious personality that can likely be attributed to his mom.
So on this 16th birthday, as I reflect on the years he's been mine, I am choosing not to be afraid to say "mine" anymore. Never a day I've known him would I have been embarrassed to claim him, but I've often been intimidated out of owning the title "mom". I'm not anymore. I'm mad at me, because I've always been afraid to embrace him too closely - trying to leave room for his mom to find her way into closeness with him and not wanting to be "in the way" if it does happen. Truth is - I've never been in the way. I've been wasting 6 1/2 years afraid to hug him first in the morning when he wakes up... afraid to tell him I love him first... afraid that things like that might take away his chance at a closer relationship with his mom - which I've always thought he needed and would love. Have you ever seen a nursery school child drop a toy and walk away from it, only to watch another one wander into the picture and pick the toy up? What happens? The first child screams, runs over, and gets mad at the someone else wanted what he had discarded. I'm that second child. I wanted (and still want) what another person discarded. I love what she didn't want anymore. Ironically, what seems like a big part of my "perfect life" - which is far from perfect - is what used to belong to someone else. I don't know why God gave me Mark or Austin or any of the rest of my blessings. What am I supposed to do? Throw those things away? Put them back in a lonely Iowa farmhouse? I'm tired of wrestling with myself over these things.
When I met Mark, I needed to know why he was a single dad and had been one for nearly seven years. I asked a lot of questions, and what I was told by person after person was that Austin needed a mother figure. Maybe I was misled by every single person who told me their version of the history of Mark and Austin, but every story matched. That is all the truth I've known. When I came on the scene, I was under the impression, from everyone including Austin, that he just wanted a mommy to love and who loved him back. That's what I believed I needed to be - for Austin - not against anyone else but rather for a little boy who said he was lonely for a mom's love. My intent has never been malicious. I have no motive to love Austin other than to just love him. I'm often reminded I'm not his "mom", but what is a mom? I think that cleaning up bi-level bunk bed spaghetti vomit; washing mildewy underwear from camp (not to mention hundreds of other loads of dirty laundry); packing lunches; transporting him back and forth thousands of miles to and from sports, friends' houses, school events, and field trips over 6 years; making birthday cakes; holding his hand while the dentist pulls his tooth; taking him to the doctor when he's sick; filling out sports physical forms and making sure he gets regular checkups for eyes, teeth, and health; taking him to the bank to open his first checking account; walking him through filling out his first job application; and just being ready for a hug when he feels like he needs one is a good start. I'm not ashamed that he calls me "mom", and I won't refer to him and introduce him as my "step-son" to make people (who neither know or care about either one of us) happy. I may have missed his first breath and his first step, but he'll be there for my last. I may have missed his first tooth falling out or his first time riding a two-wheel bike, but I'll be holding the camera when he drives out our driveway by himself for the first time later this month.
Bottom line: Austin is a sweet, caring, friendly, strong, hard-working, frugal, optimistic, hugger. I love that he has another mom, and I see her positive attitude and sweet smile whenever I look at his face, and I'm sure that a bevvy of his other positive attributes come from her. Those things are also, ironically, blessings that I enjoy. I hope that someday she wants to do the job I'm doing, but until then, "Hi, I'm Austin's mom. Lord willing, I'll be planning his high school graduation party. I'll be ironing his gown for and straightening his cap at his college graduation. I'll be pinning a flower on his lapel on his wedding day. I'll be the first visitor at the hospital if he's hurt or if his wife's having a baby, and I'll be the first one on call if they need a babysitter for 'date night'." It's an awesome job, and somebody gets to do it. Why not me? I'm thankful, beyond belief, for the opportunity I've been afforded. All people need some constants in their lives. I intend to help his dad fill those shoes till I've drawn my last breath. I hope, if something ever happens to me and I'm unable to do that for any of my children, someone will step in and be a constant for them.
