Communication Error

I speak English. Yes, most of the people I know speak mostly English, but sometimes even my husband and I speak a different language. I've only recently become fairly certain of one thing. I self-disclose much more than my husband does. This means he tells me about himself and his feelings way less often than I tell him about myself and my feelings. However, I figure this balances out in the long run, and I'll tell you how. I listen intently to his small, maybe 5% self-disclosure rate... then I add my own assumptions, fill in a lot of blanks, and come up with approximately (and this is a rough estimate) 35% Mark knowledge. He listens to about 50% of my self-disclosure, and forgets at least 15% of that... leaving him about 35% Marcie knowledge - even Steven. I used to think that would be so dissatisfying. You remember? Teenage dreams of a deep love - reading one another's thoughts, etc. Blech... now I'm glad I can't read other people's thoughts. I'll give you an example of why I feel this way.

Usually when someone says something that just "comes out", it isn't very pleasant. However, it was in there somewhere. I remember when my husband and I were looking at houses together (which was pure realtor torture, by the way). We were in this lovely two-story home and looking at a remodeled bathroom. There was this beautiful sink with a brand new faucet and fancy hot/cold handles. The handles were shaped in a lovely spiral/corkscrew design or so I thought until I said, "Wow, honey. Look at the faucet handles! Aren't they neat?" To which my husband, who grew up on a hog farm, blurted out to my initial shock, "Looks like a boar's _____." (<--insert part of male anatomy here). Now we hadn't even been married a year at this point, and I am still getting pig lessons... this home viewing had apparently turned into a crash course in boar anatomy for me and the realtor. He is not one to make apologies... under nearly any circumstances, and he didn't then, unless, "Well, it does," counts as an apology. But I looked around to see if the realtor was within earshot in case I needed to crawl out to the car and begin the search for a new realtor. Not to mention that the house we were viewing had become officially tainted from the bathroom out. I would never have been able to use that bathroom sink without serious qualms.

The point is, most times if we blurt something out, it's the truest indicator of what's really inside. Luke 6:44-46 says, "⁴⁴Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. ⁴⁵The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Honesty is the best policy, but sometimes how something is said is more important than what is being said. Ephesians 4:15 uses the phrase, "speaking the truth in love". It gives priority - not only to speaking the truth - but to saying it in a loving way. Truth is... what scripture says it is. Speaking my feelings is not truth. My feelings may seem true to me, but they are totally subjective.

Now there are those with whom I have the freedom to share my feelings, because they have proven that they are trustworthy with my vulnerability. However, they also have the freedom to wound me if necessary. Proverbs 27:5-6 says, "⁵ Better is open rebuke than hidden love. ⁶ Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." Those with whom I share my heart are those I know will point me in the right direction - toward the One my soul loves. I have come to a point where I welcome the wounds of my friends. I want to hear when they see I am being prideful or when they think I am wrong about something. I have chosen my friends, yes, but not because they'll fill my ears with honey - but because they'll pour in a little vinegar when necessary. However, they don't do it because they think I am wrong, but rather that they know the Lord and can see that my ways are contrary to His ways.

I guess maybe you have to earn the right to be honest with someone. Blurting is never a good idea, I've learned. It's hard to see what the end result will be, but I'm not always good at slowing down. I'm impatient, and my mind never stops thinking of words. A verse that I'm convinced the Lord keeps forefront in my mind is Proverbs 10:19, "¹⁹ When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." He's still working on the fewer words thing in me.

I went to a communication workshop awhile back. The premise is that full disclosure involves a sense (one of the five), thought, a feeling, a need or desire, and an action. An example of full communication would be, "I smelled fire. I thought that the house might be on fire, and I was fearful for my family. I needed to know they'd be okay, so I shouted fire and tried to evacuate the house." The person receiving the communication is supposed to repeat back what was said... giving the sender an opportunity to change anything necessary, therefore owning his own message. Then it goes back and forth. I have to be honest. When I've used this form of communication, although sometimes cumbersome, it has always, without exception, brought almost immediate end to disputes or misunderstandings.

I have found that, as a people-pleaser, I tend to have fewer words for people with whom I am completely comfortable. It's an odd thing, when I'm with someone who I feel dislikes or doesn't accept me on some level, my words multiply exponentially, and I end up babbling foolishly. When I am at ease... I can let conversation flow more naturally. I know that more words won't make me more acceptable, and, in fact, will almost surely have the opposite effect, and the little guy on the wheel inside my head is saying, "Shut up, shut up, shut up..." but my gums just keep flappin'.

Ah, well... we all have our issues. If only verbal excess was my worst vice... My husband tends to like the saying, "Better to remain silent and have people wonder if you're a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." I like that too... but I think it's too late for me. :)